Talking About Depression and Anxiety Disorder
It Became a Bad Case
It became worse. I now did not experience these panic attacks once or twice a week, I experienced them more often than ever, in other words every day and always if I was outside under people. I started to stay at home. It worked well, as I did not have panic attacks there. But this was the worst thing I did do, that´s what I know today. My brain now learned “At home I am in a safe place”. For me it meant for some time, that I feel ok. But the reality was that I unlearned to go outside and under people. I learned that it´s dangerous outside and safe inside… today I know this is a very nice explanation of a further form of anxiety disorder, the so-called social anxiety, also called social phobia or social anxiety disorder. Yes this did mean that I now did suffer more specific from a social phobia as well. Maybe even a kind of agoraphobia. The exact definition of my disease is not completely clarified until today. But anxiety disorder fits well as a general term. And if you think that it is already the worst case, if family member have to buy goods and food for you, because you can´t do it anymore, I tell you that this was not the worst case.
The Illusion of a Safe World
It became even worse but I will tell you later. I did now sit already one year everyday at home in my own “safe world”. The only people I saw were some of my well-informed family members like my mother and so. At this time even one or two informed pretty good friends. Well, and you will laugh if I tell you that I also enjoyed the presence of people and their voices on my TV or even on video platforms like YouTube. Even this was essential to get the feeling that I do not grow lonely. And finally I did play massive multiplayer online games like World of Warcraft and talked with my friends and team mates via headset and Teamspeak server (voice chat) day in and out. And the massive amount of my other interests like graphic design, playing guitar, computer and internet stuff did help me to think that I still have a happy life. And I still think today that it helped me to enjoy life at least a little bit. But…
The Safe Place Crumbled
That feeling changed and now we come to the worst part. That feeling changed when I experienced my first heavy anxiety attack at home. And when I now experienced them in an ever increasing interval at home. One of those strong panic attacks were again so hard with all the breathing problems and so, that I thought I would die. I called again the ambulance and arrived in the hospital after hours of tests, the doctors told me again a term which I heard already several times now. Anxiety disorder! It still confused me that I might have a mental problem and I went home again without accepting the help in form of a therapy.
Sleeping or Thinking
It took me even now some more months to think about all this. And I started to become more and more unhappy, frustrated, sad and you know there are many more words for that kind of feelings. I couldn´t even stop to think about it when I went to bed, which resulted in a new problem. Sleeping problems. I can remember there were days when I slept two hours a day. Sometimes I slept one hour at night and three hours at daytime for example. This is what scientists often call “polyphasic sleep”. But I did not do this by choice. I simply didn´t have a normal sleep rhythm anymore. After many days with crazy and too less sleep, I could even sleep 24 hours in full-length. Only if my body was exhausted because of minimal sleep, this was possible. As you can see… there was no rhythm at all anymore.
Depression as a Result of Anxiety
The time when I realized that they might be honest with me and that I really suffer from anxiety disorder, was the time full of feelings that overrun me. Not only the sleep problems but also all the feelings and thought resulted in a depression. In my case it might have been some kind of manic depression as I can remember highs and lows of feelings. Pretty inspirational and creative moments rotational pared with moments like falling into a deep hole.
After some very depressive months and some more heavy anxiety attack at home (the previously safe place), I finally decided to ask for professional help. It was one of these days when I thought my life or at least my last two years were completely hilarious and somewhat pointless. I was never someone who thought about committing suicide but when I noticed my first thought about “a senseless life”, I started to become afraid. I still think today that it was not a suicidal thought but I remember that I didn´t want to explore more thoughts in this direction. The experience of the years at that time and seeing me calling something like my life pointless, was already way enough to finally take the phone to ask a doctor for help.
Talking About Depression and Anxiety Disorder Pages:
– Talking About Depression and Anxiety Disorder Part 1
– Talking About Depression and Anxiety Disorder Part 2
– Talking About Depression and Anxiety Disorder Part 3
– Talking About Depression and Anxiety Disorder Part 4
– Talking About Depression and Anxiety Disorder Part 5