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Talking About Depression and Anxiety Disorder

It Became a Bad Case

It became worse. I now did not experience these panic attacks once or twice a week, I experienced them more often than ever, in other words every day and always if I was outside under people. I started to stay at home. It worked well, as I did not have panic attacks there. But this was the worst thing I did do, that´s what I know today. My brain now learned “At home I am in a safe place”. For me it meant for some time, that I feel ok. But the reality was that I unlearned to go outside and under people. I learned that it´s dangerous outside and safe inside… today I know this is a very nice explanation of a further form of anxiety disorder, the so-called social anxiety, also called social phobia or social anxiety disorder. Yes this did mean that I now did suffer more specific from a social phobia as well. Maybe even a kind of agoraphobia. The exact definition of my disease is not completely clarified until today. But anxiety disorder fits well as a general term. And if you think that it is already the worst case, if family member have to buy goods and food for you, because you can´t do it anymore, I tell you that this was not the worst case.

The Illusion of a Safe World

It became even worse but I will tell you later. I did now sit already one year everyday at home in my own “safe world”. The only people I saw were some of my well-informed family members like my mother and so. At this time even one or two informed pretty good friends. Well, and you will laugh if I tell you that I also enjoyed the presence of people and their voices on my TV or even on video platforms like YouTube. Even this was essential to get the feeling that I do not grow lonely. And finally I did play massive multiplayer online games like World of Warcraft and talked with my friends and team mates via headset and Teamspeak server (voice chat) day in and out. And the massive amount of my other interests like graphic design, playing guitar, computer and internet stuff did help me to think that I still have a happy life. And I still think today that it helped me to enjoy life at least a little bit. But…

The Safe Place Crumbled

That feeling changed and now we come to the worst part. That feeling changed when I experienced my first heavy anxiety attack at home. And when I now experienced them in an ever increasing interval at home. One of those strong panic attacks were again so hard with all the breathing problems and so, that I thought I would die. I called again the ambulance and arrived in the hospital after hours of tests, the doctors told me again a term which I heard already several times now. Anxiety disorder! It still confused me that I might have a mental problem and I went home again without accepting the help in form of a therapy.

Sleeping or Thinking

It took me even now some more months to think about all this. And I started to become more and more unhappy, frustrated, sad and you know there are many more words for that kind of feelings. I couldn´t even stop to think about it when I went to bed, which resulted in a new problem. Sleeping problems. I can remember there were days when I slept two hours a day. Sometimes I slept one hour at night and three hours at daytime for example. This is what scientists often call “polyphasic sleep”. But I did not do this by choice. I simply didn´t have a normal sleep rhythm anymore. After many days with crazy and too less sleep, I could even sleep 24 hours in full-length. Only if my body was exhausted because of minimal sleep, this was possible. As you can see… there was no rhythm at all anymore.

Depression as a Result of Anxiety

The time when I realized that they might be honest with me and that I really suffer from anxiety disorder, was the time full of feelings that overrun me. Not only the sleep problems but also all the feelings and thought resulted in a depression. In my case it might have been some kind of manic depression as I can remember highs and lows of feelings. Pretty inspirational and creative moments rotational pared with moments like falling into a deep hole.

After some very depressive months and some more heavy anxiety attack at home (the previously safe place), I finally decided to ask for professional help. It was one of these days when I thought my life or at least my last two years were completely hilarious and somewhat pointless. I was never someone who thought about committing suicide but when I noticed my first thought about “a senseless life”, I started to become afraid. I still think today that it was not a suicidal thought but I remember that I didn´t want to explore more thoughts in this direction. The experience of the years at that time and seeing me calling something like my life pointless, was already way enough to finally take the phone to ask a doctor for help.

Talking About Depression and Anxiety Disorder Pages:

Talking About Depression and Anxiety Disorder Part 1
Talking About Depression and Anxiety Disorder Part 2
Talking About Depression and Anxiety Disorder Part 3
Talking About Depression and Anxiety Disorder Part 4
Talking About Depression and Anxiety Disorder Part 5

Pages: 1 2 3 4 5

6 Comments »

  1. Wow (´⊙ω⊙`)!
    I have emotional disorders for over 2 years. Side effects of prescription drugs treat me very bad so I stop using them. I start using medicines from local plants and a vegetarian diet. It gets better. Now I’m a vegan and trying macrobiotics. I wish everyone can give macrobiotics a try because it’s really great! (just some problems when I’m hungry..)
    Take care, have a nice day and ready for the next challenge ┏((= ̄(エ) ̄=))┛

    • Yes, it seems that not everybody can stand antidepressants. Everybody must find the own strategy to fight the disease. I am happy that you found your own way and tools to get around with the illness. For all others who are still unsure, a doctor can inform about all methods and alternatives. Great that you found your tools already. Take care too please 🙂 We master all the challenges. 🙂 Thanks for your comment.

  2. I stumbled across this while googling bf4 settings! This is amazing and fits me to a tee! I forwarded it to my wife because she has been with me every step of the way! I’m currently with a physiatrist and adjusting meds.. like you they made me sleepy., but anyway, i’m not good at grammar and spelling, but i’m very glad you took the time to reach out and help! You have a gift of writing and having good sentence structure to get your point accross! I’m 45 and have been struggling since 1998! I’m on level 103 of bf4 because it seems to be my escape. However, I put so much time into it that( I think while playing) that i need to get outside!! I also have guitars and hobbies that have been put on the back burner! thank you! I may write back later to give more details of my medicines and problems I face!

    • Hey Anthony.Cool that you stopped by! I know which BF4 article you meant. Cool that you found my anxiety and depressiopn article on this way also.

      Agree with you about the meds. Adjusting is the right word. I think we must find out for ourself which meds work well without much side-effects. Takes some time but will be rewarding to go on. Good that you are on that path with your doc too. Today I think it´s not a shame… rather the opposite as it is good to fight the problems. And well, everybody has different own problems. We´re not alone with problems.

      Thank´s for the compliment about my writing. That is motivating me. That makes me happy as my native language is german. Good to know that my english is not too unreadable. I am sometimes afraid that people could think that my english is bad. But even then I would just try to improve. Writing in a different language is fun. Thanks for your feedback.

      You reached a good level in BF4. I am at level 39 but there are some other games and interests running parallel. I know what you mean with “escape”… games can give you some happyness. I would say hey helped me not to become desperate too. They are a great tool to divert from the illness. I wonder whats your favorite vehicle and what is your favorite set of weapons in BF4? And your favorite class? I love the recon and usually take the SKS as I love semi-automatic carbines and the sounds of the SKS shots are, well awesome 🙂 Alternatively I try different weapons or run around with the AKU-12 or similar weapons.

      Interesting that we not only have an similar issue, but also similar interests. Playing guitar is a hell of fun. Hope you find the right balance between your interests. I know that this is not that easy. I usually play and practice guitar 30 or 60 minutes a day. That might work for you too as there is still enough time for other interests then. And as you self said… you must also go out. It helped me a lot.

      Take care and keep cool Anthony. I am happy to hear that you try to fight the problems too. That means you show already strength and I think this motivation will work out great for us. 🙂

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