I don’t write often about it, not because I wouldn’t like to, rather because the whole issue was not a too big problem anymore, at least when I compare it with the past. The problem was that I suffered from depression and social anxiety years ago. I really got out of this mess, but sometimes things can bounce back for a while. I want to write about this today.
I want to fight over the last bastion, that means, I don’t want to feel healthy most of the time, I want to feel healthy all the time. When there are five bad days in a month, it’s still way too much. I often feel healthy for weeks, but then in another moment, things can bounce back at me out of the blue.
There are still days where I get an anxiety attack with all kind of symptoms, there are days I fall into a hole and the depression is back for a moment, and there are days with heavy sleep problems and that can be a big problem. What changed is that it happens rarely, or irregular but it still can happen at times.
Most of the time this was very acceptable because I know it could be worse, it could happen more often, because that’s something I experienced back then. It’s acceptable if it happens rarely, however, I am curious if it is possible to fight it back so that the disease doesn’t even come through a single day anymore. That’s what I want to achieve. I am happy how it is now, I just asked myself how it would be if I go one step further. That’s what I mean with fighting for the last bastion.
Apart from that, I am not very stress-resistant anymore. Whenever there is stress, the chance is big that I get some bad days again. While I feel most of the time very good, I realized this is still a huge problem if some bad days can interrupt a good week. Then there is the fact that I do still take antidepressants, even if it is just a very small dose, I want to live without that again some day.
I realized, it is fine as it is, but I believe it could be even better. I thought about this already a year ago and contacted a therapist. A long time passed, over a half year, but then I got my first appointments, that happened a little more than a month ago. I had my first appointments before Christmas 2014. First I wanted to find out if I am ok with the therapist. I think she is very friendly and I like to talk with her, I had already six or seven appointments now.
She does understand that I am not in a deep depression anymore, she does understand that my anxiety disorder is not severe anymore. I got out of this mess without much help. However, she did understand what I mean, I told her that there can be still bad days, and if there are bad days then I am controlled by the disease again and the day becomes a challenge. She does understand that I want to burst this barrier completely. That’s what we work on right now. I want to find out if I can learn anything new.
I am not that much of a person who seeks help from strangers. But I wanted to give it a try. I can leave this therapy at any time if I am unhappy, but who knows, maybe I do really learn some strategies. How do I feel about this therapist? As said, I think she is very friendly and wise. I am surprised, because I like to talk with her. We don’t only talk about my problems, there are minutes where we have some nice conversations about other things. In some moments it doesn’t even feel like a therapy at all, and this is really cool.
However, we also had some differences in some respects. I don’t agree with everything she says but we do talk about this. She doesn’t have a problem if I tell her “Nope, I think we are on the wrong track now”, because she just tries to understand me and my problems, and then she tries other directions. It’s good.
I am not really sure if I went into a therapy with the thoughts to go completely through this, I was rather curious. As said, I just asked myself if it might help. I am not even sure yet. I am just a little bit surprised that it helps more than I thought. I knew that talking can help because all my friends and family members listened to me too when I wanted to talk about it. Some people were always involved, especially when the disease was severe years ago. On this way, my loved ones helped me already to get out of the biggest mess, it’s just that I didn’t expect that talking with a stranger could make me feel good as well. But the reason is probably because I trust the therapist.
She did also get that I am somewhat well-read about the depression and anxiety subject, and even about some more broad medical subjects. She won’t explain me things that I already know, she is asking, and then she finds out what I don’t know to start from there. I think she really knows her stuff. I still don’t agree with all parts of the cognitive behaviour therapy and I told her, but that is not a problem, I am there to see if I can learn something helpful, I don’t have to agree with all parts. I got the impression that she understood, she told me that this is ok, and we agreed, we both are confident.
The antidepressants that I take since years, they do only damp the symptoms. Antidepressants don’t heal, that is the problem. If I would stop to take my antidepressants tomorrow, the chance would be big that I would get into a mess again. When she asked me what I expect from the therapy, I answered “To learn something that might make it possible to live without both, antidepressants and the disease”. She agreed, this would be an achievement we should work on. That’s it, that is my goal.
If I complete the therapy, that is a question that I can’t answer yet, however, I am very confident. At the moment it helps. If this impression stays, I would of course complete it. At the moment there are still round about twenty hours in front of me, we have a one hour appointment each week. I will find out if this is going well and if it really helps me.