Dark Mood, Dark Season


You might wonder why I do upload the boring picture above. I think, it describes both very well, my mood and how it looks like outside most of the time. I felt pretty burned out over the last week. I mean it’s dark and grey outside all the time, and it could just be vitamine D deficiency, but since I have experience with depression, I could be worried about a relapse too. But recently I felt so exhausted that I didn’t even had the energy to worry about anything, and apart from that, I learned how to deal with up’s and down’s over the last years. So, I don’t care if it’s depressive phase again, vitamine D deficiency, or maybe even a mix of both. And it’s probably a mix of both, because in my experience, I always had a bit of trouble with depression again at the end of a dark and cold seasons.

There was a time where I really felt worried when I fell into a hole for some time. But here is a fun fact, the more you think about it, the more you try to fight it, the worse it gets. With that said, I gave up on it, I accept whenever I feel really bad, and the result is that I will feel better a few days or weeks later. It’s like telling the aggressors in my head “I don’t care what you are doing with me, go on!”. If there is nothing to beat, it can’t beat you, if you know what I mean. Although, I believe this is something that you can only understand if you dealt with it in the past. Anyway, what worked really well for me is to just accept how the things are. If I need a break, I give myself a break.

On the weekend I used my exhaustion and did only build a castle out of pillows, to recline on the couch with a stabilized neck, to watch through all Star Wars movies. Between the movies I tried to play the guitar, but even that was too exhausting and I went back to the couch. A simple-minded task like just watching another Star Wars episode felt like a much better idea, and my cat agreed and profited from the cozy pillow and blanked construction on the couch. So, over three days we made it through all episodes, with a lot of rest in between.

I feel a bit better today, otherwise I wouldn’t have started to write this post. On the plus there is spring and summer in front of us. I can deal with autumn and winter, but then at some point it’s enough, I think that’s where I am right now. I am done with these darker seasons for now. There are activities that are simply more fun during spring and summer, like hiking or photography, and I can’t await to do these things when it becomes brighter and warmer again. On the other side, it really shows how depressive you can get in a city, because I really liked the winter more when I lived in a rural areal outside of the city for a half-year, where just a ten minutes hike was needed to stand in a small forest or near a big pond. But as I mentioned already, both has pros and cons. I adapted to the city life again already since quite some time, but a bit more color and temperature would be good, so that spring and summer is now very welcomed.


3 thoughts on “Dark Mood, Dark Season

  1. A dark dead tree against a grey sky – a perfect encapsulation of bloody January at our latitude. I see nothing wrong in hibernating throughout January – maybe that is what we have always done in the 15000 yrs since the ice melted. I wonder if it does us no harm to let our serum Vit D to fall during the winter – after all where would we have got it from – not through the skin in our northern winters.
    The days are getting lighter and longer and I hope your spirits lift Dennis,,,….. Best from Freddy

    1. That’s the way I see it today. When I get tired at the end of this season, I think it is less of an attack on body, but more as you said a hibernating state or preparation for the changing season or conditions. I think both, cold and warm seasons are good, but after some time both can get straining. I sometimes experience the same at the end of summer, where I can’t deal with the hot weather anymore and welcome a change to the cold season 🙂 I think if our body gets tired, it’s just the way how it deals with influences and changes, and yes I think there is nothing bad about accepting the signs of the body and do things a bit slower.

      But looking at the people around me, I think it affects me a bit more sometimes due to the fact that I suffered from depression… so, the grade between a depressive phase and lack of vitamine d can be very small in my case… in fact it’s hard to know if it’s one of it or both when I fall back, but I learned how to get back up fast 🙂 It’s with accepting that my body or mind wants it slower, and that’s the way how I get back to energy very fast.

      Years ago, when it was still severe… nothing could help me, no pills and no therapy. The only thing that helped was acceptance that things are as they are, that it is not an attack but that I am maybe rolling too fast. That’s how I became healthy… oh, and hikes into the nature, that is something doctors should prescribe, because nothing does more wonders 🙂

      Thanks Freddy, yeah, I can’t await to get outside again on long hikes through colorful landscapes 🙂 We’re not far away from the spring time 🙂

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