You might wonder why I do upload the boring picture above. I think, it describes both very well, my mood and how it looks like outside most of the time. I felt pretty burned out over the last week. I mean it’s dark and grey outside all the time, and it could just be vitamine D deficiency, but since I have experience with depression, I could be worried about a relapse too. But recently I felt so exhausted that I didn’t even had the energy to worry about anything, and apart from that, I learned how to deal with up’s and down’s over the last years. So, I don’t care if it’s depressive phase again, vitamine D deficiency, or maybe even a mix of both. And it’s probably a mix of both, because in my experience, I always had a bit of trouble with depression again at the end of a dark and cold seasons.
There was a time where I really felt worried when I fell into a hole for some time. But here is a fun fact, the more you think about it, the more you try to fight it, the worse it gets. With that said, I gave up on it, I accept whenever I feel really bad, and the result is that I will feel better a few days or weeks later. It’s like telling the aggressors in my head “I don’t care what you are doing with me, go on!”. If there is nothing to beat, it can’t beat you, if you know what I mean. Although, I believe this is something that you can only understand if you dealt with it in the past. Anyway, what worked really well for me is to just accept how the things are. If I need a break, I give myself a break.
On the weekend I used my exhaustion and did only build a castle out of pillows, to recline on the couch with a stabilized neck, to watch through all Star Wars movies. Between the movies I tried to play the guitar, but even that was too exhausting and I went back to the couch. A simple-minded task like just watching another Star Wars episode felt like a much better idea, and my cat agreed and profited from the cozy pillow and blanked construction on the couch. So, over three days we made it through all episodes, with a lot of rest in between.
I feel a bit better today, otherwise I wouldn’t have started to write this post. On the plus there is spring and summer in front of us. I can deal with autumn and winter, but then at some point it’s enough, I think that’s where I am right now. I am done with these darker seasons for now. There are activities that are simply more fun during spring and summer, like hiking or photography, and I can’t await to do these things when it becomes brighter and warmer again. On the other side, it really shows how depressive you can get in a city, because I really liked the winter more when I lived in a rural areal outside of the city for a half-year, where just a ten minutes hike was needed to stand in a small forest or near a big pond. But as I mentioned already, both has pros and cons. I adapted to the city life again already since quite some time, but a bit more color and temperature would be good, so that spring and summer is now very welcomed.