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Crawling out of a Hole

I didn’t feel very good over the last days. I’d call it a short relapse of depression. I probably never get rid of these issues, but I learned to live with it or how to maneuver myself faster out of it. But maybe it was a mix of that and spring fever. The weather was also not constant, we had very cold days and very warm days, and temperatures in-between. That’s at least what I noticed when I found the energy to open my windows. I am very sensitive to these changes too. I was pretty exhausted and tired all-day. I pretty much overslept Easter time and if I was awake, it felt like I was fighting against the strong gravitational effects of a black hole, which was either a chair or my bed. I didn’t answer any phone calls, nor did I do anything useful. I didn’t even think about anything. I was just there.

Today was a bit better, not perfect but I was able to convince myself to get outside no matter how bad I still felt. Because I know it helped me in the past. It really feels like escaping a black hole, except that it’s not as unlikely. And since I know that, I really moved forward with the idea and grabbed my camera and went outside. I was sure my mother would be in her garden, so that was my first objective. When I arrived, I was invited to the barbecue, because the grill was already running. I am usually also not very hungry when I am crawling out of a hole, but after a couple of tries I was convinced and managed it to eat a couple of things. I chatted with my mother and her husband, and told them that I was motivating myself to go outside, trying to feel better. They know my (today irregular) issues and liked my idea.

Now I was already outside, the impulse was there. I left the garden and went through the parks to take some photos. It was still a bit tiring, but as always it was the right thing to do because my mood got a lot better. In retrospective, I would say the day was good. I liked it to get into motion, I liked the sunbeams and I’ve done something that I usually like. I still don’t feel like my batteries are fully charged, but I feel like they’re getting charged. I am not afraid of it anymore, today I see it this way, my body and mind sometimes just want to slow down. I do accept it and find my ways out of it.

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7 Comments »

  1. Think it’s always best to not push too hard at times like this…sometimes we need to take it a bit easy and just relax. sure you’ll be back fitting fit after a few days

    • That is actually true. Back then when my depression and anxiety problems were severe, I tried everything and it just made it worse. At some point I somehow found “acceptance”… like “that’s me, I accept me and my health issues, and how I am”. Maybe I was also tired of fighting it. And here is the irony… this acceptance, was the first step to feel better again. It still took some time, but this was the way to deal with it because the pressure on myself disappeared. Today I barely still have these problems, but a long winter or the start of spring with the weather changes can sometimes put be back. But that’s not an earthquake, it’s just an aftershock and very irregular. Today it’s the same, I accept it to slow down and know my ways out of it with new energy.

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