Crawling out of a Hole
I didn’t feel very good over the last days. I’d call it a short relapse of depression. I probably never get rid of these issues, but I learned to live with it or how to maneuver myself faster out of it. But maybe it was a mix of that and spring fever. The weather was also not constant, we had very cold days and very warm days, and temperatures in-between. That’s at least what I noticed when I found the energy to open my windows. I am very sensitive to these changes too. I was pretty exhausted and tired all-day. I pretty much overslept Easter time and if I was awake, it felt like I was fighting against the strong gravitational effects of a black hole, which was either a chair or my bed. I didn’t answer any phone calls, nor did I do anything useful. I didn’t even think about anything. I was just there.
Today was a bit better, not perfect but I was able to convince myself to get outside no matter how bad I still felt. Because I know it helped me in the past. It really feels like escaping a black hole, except that it’s not as unlikely. And since I know that, I really moved forward with the idea and grabbed my camera and went outside. I was sure my mother would be in her garden, so that was my first objective. When I arrived, I was invited to the barbecue, because the grill was already running. I am usually also not very hungry when I am crawling out of a hole, but after a couple of tries I was convinced and managed it to eat a couple of things. I chatted with my mother and her husband, and told them that I was motivating myself to go outside, trying to feel better. They know my (today irregular) issues and liked my idea.
Now I was already outside, the impulse was there. I left the garden and went through the parks to take some photos. It was still a bit tiring, but as always it was the right thing to do because my mood got a lot better. In retrospective, I would say the day was good. I liked it to get into motion, I liked the sunbeams and I’ve done something that I usually like. I still don’t feel like my batteries are fully charged, but I feel like they’re getting charged. I am not afraid of it anymore, today I see it this way, my body and mind sometimes just want to slow down. I do accept it and find my ways out of it.