In Search of Energy
The current week was troublesome. I got a depressive phase again and it felt like all the energy was sucked out of my body. Really, my energy levels felt absolutely depleted, to the point that it’s hard to describe it with words. I can’t tell you how much it sucks when it happens. Even if I forced myself to do something I like (which was a difficult task on its own), it didn’t just feel like I had to climb a mountain while experiencing fatigue, I also didn’t feel pleasure or joy at all with activities I would normally enjoy. I felt numb, sluggish, hopeless, worthless, irritated, and I probably do miss some descriptions here. Some of the days felt like I just woke up from anesthesia except that this state remains the whole day, actually several days. On top of that, I had a constant migraine. I somehow felt hungry but yet I didn’t want to eat. Meanwhile, I alternated between insomnia and hypersomnia. There was, for example, one day where I slept 2 hours and woke up for 2 hours, slept for 2 hours, and so on. Another day I sleep 10 hours straight, woke up for 1 hour, and continued to sleep another 8 hours. What the heck, I haven’t had it that bad for quite a while.
Yesterday, I made an attempt to break out of the misery. I still didn’t feel very well but I felt a bit better than the previous days. I went shopping and I still felt numb on the way to the supermarket. When I arrived there, I decided to get myself a huge Coca Cola bottle even if I am not a fan of sugary drinks anymore. But I know I am very caffeine sensitive. The idea was to multiply the small amount of energy I felt that day. At home, I went through the big bottle as if it was a challenge. I wouldn’t say that I felt less numb after that, but the big amount of caffeine did induce the urge to move my body. So, I went out for a walk, not a big one but I walked through the district. It was a sunny day and when I found a park bench, I sat down. While the sunbeams further improved the situation, I still felt this numbness. For a few minutes, my eyes were absolutely lost, watching through a hole up in the shrubs. The hole appeared like a TV screen and the moving clouds behind it made up the TV program. That’s when I noticed a branch in the scene, and suddenly a small bird did land on it. It might sound strange to you, but that was the first time after several days I somehow felt pleasure again. I watched the little bird until it flew away and then I continued on my way too.
While this was a small walk, I felt a little bit better when I arrived home. Today I was convinced that I can do a little longer walk. That’s what I did today. It still wasn’t easy, but it’s helpful, in small steps. I still feel the aftermath of this week. But it’s gradually helping me. Today I also had my camera with me but I only shot 4 photos. I wouldn’t say that I was excited to take photos, but I just knew going out is the right thing to do. That’s my experience from the past. You need to start somewhere to get back on track. Here is one of the photos I shot today…