pancake with a heart

I’ve been in a roller coaster ride (consciously, I didn’t say relationship, because it’s been a ride with wheels on fire) with a 27 years old woman this year. But the cut just happened yesterday, or should I say the final cut? I’ve had far longer connections in the past, one that was 7 years but what I experienced this year has been that intense, that anything that I experienced before, no matter if it’s been a longer timeframe, can be considered a complete joke.

It has been a fire, both, in a positive and negative sense. I am not ready to talk about this in detail, and I am actually not even sure if it’s possible to do so, as so much happened that I am still confused. I will just cover the surface of it.

It’s been anything you can think off, casual encounters in the past, an acquaintanceship without phone contact, then her grabbing my phone number via detours, a lot of texting and talking until we planned a date that led to a one night stand,  just two weeks later we got back together and called it a friendship with benefits as we both still had a little bit of commitment fear, which eventually lead to a longer phase of closed relationship, followed by on and off’s, with breakups that did last no longer than hours or a single day, always getting back together in no time.

But I reached a point where I am severely exhausted. Two weeks ago, I was so battered that I couldn’t get food down anymore. It just started one day, and you know when your stomach is sick, the usual trick is to at least slurp a little bit of soup. You know what? I didn’t even manage to get more than two spoonful down. Another day I tried the exact same thing again, but I gave up on it entirely. I am not kidding, I was no longer able to eat any kind of food.

What followed was that I stopped eating for 9 days in a row. Recently, everyone told me I look more skinny, my face too. To lose the amount of weight I lost through the unintended fasting, I would need to go jogging at least 3 times a week for a half year, maybe even more than that but only if you keep the calorine intake low too, which you most likely won’t. I know, I am runner.

The first meal that worked again, I started with very little, even the little amount gave me stomache cramps but I increased it a little bit every day and I am now back to normal eating. But it tought me something, if I stay in the toxic situation, I am going to have a hard time. The issue however is that this is what my mind tells me, my heart can not get enough of her. My heart and mind didn’t  work together anymore for a while now.

So, it was difficult to do the step, but I ended it yesterday, and after that she blocked me everywhere. It’s not the first time this happened as said. We’ve done it several times already and got back together but this time I feel like I should stick with the decision. She didn’t answer phone calls anymore for two days, but we did send each other voice notes.

I listened to her view, made offers, attempted to understand and help her, but in the end, like always, I just listened to her problems, her feelings while she entirely disregarded my view and even ignored all of my questions or feelings. Even when I told her that this hurts, the next voice note was not a direct reply to that particular concern, instead she again just  sailed around it, masterfully. So many unanswered questions accumulated over time, but I didn’t even get an answer to that last one. Why are you ignoring what I ask?

It did upset me greatly, and it did hurt so much. I felt disrespected and thought I should do what I already had in my mind the previous day, I gonna have to end it. But I slept over it and in the morning the thought was still there, I am no longer able to communicate with her, it’s way too much pain right now. I need to protect myself.

I do regret that I worded it with frustation, but I told her “You already got more than enough attention, our entire connection is always just about your feelings and needs, I can no longer deal with the situation. Today I see some things way more clear, and I think now is the time that I have to care about myself and look forward.” It took no more than 2 minutes and she blocked me, everywhere. That’s her, impulsive, and nobody breaks up with her, she breaks up with you, and if she’s faster with the blocking, she feels like she has done it. Congrats!

As said, we’ve done it before, I know the patterns but this time I didn’t just block her too, I erased her contact or number from my phone. It was too much. I don’t block first, because I think it’s fair to give the other side some kind of a last chance to express herself. Sure, it’s hope, that she still has something meaningful to say that might change my opinion, but it’s not something I expect. I rather expected that she will block me, I was fully aware of what I wrote.

You know what is strange? Even if I took the step, and I absolutely expected that she would block me, I am lovesick to a degree that I can’t even comprehend how I managed it to be happy without her. It was my decision, but even then lovesickness is so strong than I just don’t know how I can look forward. It’s ironic, even if I attempt to use my mind and think about all the bad stuff that happened, I still miss her. Ironically, I know from our previous breakups, she might feel the exact same way. We talked about this after our previous breakups.

I have a very good friend in Hamburg, she told me “I listened, and it seems like you miss the person you met first, and it turned out she isn’t always that person, thus it’s very difficult for you to understand”.  She was always a good listener, and her analysis couldn’t be more accurate.

Yes, I love that one person, and I can’t get the idea out of my head, that she still exists. But right now, she doesn’t. Of course, there are always two involved, and I wouldn’t go so far to say that my behaviour was perfect all the time. Maybe we even changed each other. But…

I can’t think of any women that gave me so much affection and love in such a short perior of time, and revoked it equally fast on a regular basis. It’s been the most wacky connection I’ve ever had. I think I just fell in love with a women who has severe fear of commitment and a ton of unsolved issues in her life.

The emotional rollercoaster I have experienced recently, must be comparable with what heroin addicts go through before, during and after each trip, every single day. It’s been an alternation from reaching clouds to falling down hard, going cold turkey, in a matter of hours or days. I have no other analogy for the experience.

But one thing is sure, I became an addict of the good moments, especially the first two months. So addicted that all my loved ones and close friends questioned that I am still able to think and act rational. I totally lost my marbles.

She was able to love, she really was, and I don’t just mean the good sex. The way she showed affection, it was so strong. Sometimes she was the most loving person, but the next day or week she was the meanest person I ever met. She can also be very manipulative. And while I know some of the secrets she told me are definitely true, other things turned out to be complete lies.

Sadly, our connection was also overshadowed by the unsolved problems in her life. I know her mother, we all live in the same district. Thus, my mother knows both of them very well too. So, I heard the whispering from all sides. She even broke the contact to her own mother recently, and what I heard from both of them, I just know her mother is in the right. But that is a complicated story on its own, and only a fraction of her current problems.

It didn’t really help when I met her mother today in the parks, and when she told me “Dennis, I wish you both would stay together, you’re a good for her, the first good person she had, she needs someone like you”. That absolutely doesn’t help when you’re lovesick and I definitely saw the good sides of her daughter, they’re actually the reason I fell in love with her and the reason why I still have feelings for her. But I can’t see that person anymore.

Her issues are affecting me indirectly too and that is what makes it really difficult. She told me that she understands me, it’s just that it would be her wish that her daughter is together with someone like me. I am not kidding, I feel honored when I hear that but my battery is depleted and I am neither a magician who can change her emotional instability, nor a therapist. Because there are some red flags.

I’ve always been on good terms with her mother. Her daughter knows my deepest secrets and problems as well, but I always took care that my problems (depression, anxiety for example) never affected people. Not just that, I develop strategies to get my life together. This is only possible when you’re aware of your own issues, when you accept them.

I know her daughters deepest secrets as well, for example that she had two abusive relationships (no rape, but beating, drugs and psychological abuse) in the past. She lied to me a lot, but this is definitely true as her mother confirmed it to me once. She had two low-life guys before me, one a couple of years ago and the other more recently before me.

I knew this very early, and told her it’s fine, we take it slow. I’ve done everything that she can trust me, that I am different. My live goal is not to mess around with people, I want to live peacefully, with respect. And I have empathy, but things get difficult when I get hurt along the road as well by her actions that are based on her past experiences.

I am a very supportive person. Some of my readers actually know it. My uncle got a brain tumor, I moved into his house to help him, and supported him until his death. I got a foster sister, now I take care of her on a regular basis too. People around me are important to me, very important.

I could write a ton of pages what I have done for my loved ones, and even strangers. I live after the motto that when I expect good things to happen to me, I need to be good to others too. That’s what my mother taught me. She always said, we might not be able to save the world, but we’re able to have our own good place.

I still agree to that, but it gets really difficult when a person enters your place with a pack of problems that nobody other than herself can work on. Sure, I can support her, and I tried, but I can not solve her problems alone as nobody except myself was able to solve mine. As nobody except yourself was able to solve yours. The only thing people can do for others, is helping, supporting, not solving.

When our entire connection is overshadowed by her problems, how can that even work? Where am I in this story? It’s been a great time at the beginning, she managed it to open my eyes, she made me want to be in a relationship again. It’s been a long time since I’ve been that interested in a woman.

It was almost sureal how perfect it looked like at the beginning. I can’t even comprehent how a person can show herself in such a positive light for two months straight, to eventually show the complete opposite afterwards. I don’t even trust myself anymore, to trust others. The picture that remains of her in my head shows…

A young, beautiful, slender, woman with long dark hair, her face, no make-up needed, just a natural beauty. Her entire appereance is perfect, so perfect that I wouldn’t even have had the balls to ask her out. She started it, she grabbed my phone number.  Her voice, so shy, her odor, better than flowers. I crave her, I still want her…

But in the next moment I know, the decision to end it was good. Actually, my thoughts do aready alternate between “I want her in my life” and “I don’t want her in my life” since months, way before we ended it again now. And I am still in this strange emotional state.

I know the scientific explanation for what is happening in my head. I am just experiencing the kind of highs and lows like a drug addict, my neurotransmitters are playing games with me. I just need keep the cold turkey going and I can stick with my decision.

Doesn’t help that we live in the same district and meet each other regularly by coincidence. The last time we broke up, we met by coincidence, talked and she offered that we unblock each other to plan a date for a conversation. And that’s when we came together again.

My mind knows for a long time, we can try it again and again, but right now, it’s simply not working. My heart tells me, doesn’t really matter, if the option is still there, just try it again. The female friend from Hamburg had another explanation “You have something between your legs, and it’s not your mind or heart”, I laughed. But I still think there is more to it than just that.

I end this post with the fact that I just got a reminder of something that I have forgotten entirely. Your heart can break, even if you broke up yourself. I do probably have several days, hopefully not weeks or months, of lovesickness ahead of me. And I absolutely hate it.


9 thoughts on “Lovesick

  1. I am sorry that you have to deal with these emotional issues. I had a very up-and-down relationship with my ex-wife and also the girlfriend that I had next. I realized that a relationship should not be that way. It should be mostly good with a few small bumps along the road. I think if it gets to the point of breaking up, even one time, then that person is probably not compatible with you.

    1. Thanks for the support!

      “I think if it gets to the point of breaking up, even one time, then that person is probably not compatible with you.”

      That’s pretty much what I have learned too out of past experiences. And this is the advice I usually gave friends.
      It’s pretty strange that I didn’t live by that myself the last months. I was completely blind, my mind no longer working.
      Maybe it was the regular dose of strong affection I got, after we had a bit of distance, I always got a shot of new hope then.
      Love is funny, it can completely disable your mind, until your throw all of your values over board.

      But it’s a new day, and I still think it’s good that it ended. It might still take some time to get emotions behind me.
      I know I was a much happier person before she came into my life… I really was.
      I just need to find out again how. But I know I will.

      1. I think the good times are addicting even if they come with bad times. It is like drinking too much even when you know there will be a hangover. I hope you find someone who gives you the good times without the hangover.

        1. That is very well said. It is like that. Now I will try to find myself, I’ve been happy before her, I want to get back to that point and I will. And then I see what happens next in life 🙂

  2. I’m sorry that you have been having such a challenging time Dennis. It really does sound like an emotional rollercoaster. I think you tried all you could to make this relationship work but when you get to the point where you can’t eat you have to look after your own health and wellbeing. As they say, “Time heals all things.” although I know that is small comfort right now. Take care of yourself.

    1. Thank you Vanda. It started well but when things got bad, I was blinded by hope that we could experience good times again. It partly worked again for a while, for some days, for some weeks, but then again problems over problems. Rinse and repeat. I don’t want that anymore. Even if there have been good moments, if I now combine the entire time, I must say I was better off before her. I was a much happier person before here. It took me a long time realize this. And like you said, my wellbeing is more important.

      I would lie if I would say it’s easy right now. It’s very difficult to get the things out of my head. This is affecting my concentration too and I do a lot of mistakes at the moment during the day (laugh).

      Yes, time will heal… I hope sooner that later.

      Thanks Vanda,
      take care too 🙂

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