I married on June 2 but we are no longer together since November 24. We came together on February 27, although we had almost a half year of relational “foreplay” before that. From February 2022 on, I must say I experienced the most beautiful time I ever had and that at least for 7 months with a few “hiccups” in between. But the last 2 months have been horrible. I am not ready yet to write about it in detail. The only thing I can say is that I thought I could heal a woman with personality disorder with love. I just learned the hard way, you can’t.
I am emotionally battered since the breakup. I’ve been emotionaly abused. It will take a lot of time to heal from this. I am really suffering. It’s still hard to comprehend that someone can bomb you with love for so long and then hate you like the worst enemy no matter how good you have been. It’s still hard to comprehent how someone can actively plan a baby with you, and later hate you even if you haven’t done anything other than love and support the person.
Yes, she is pregnant and I am going to be father in April. We’ve been so happy about it. We visited the gynecologist together and I supported her in any imaginable way, but at the end it was not enough. She broke up and it was very likely caused by borderline symptoms. Not sure if it was due to the hormones, but her mental problems got worse and worse. Now I am a persona non grata, for no reason.
She isn’t diagnosed with borderline, she is in therapy because of traumatic stress disorder and other things. But her therapist already told her that she might have borderline, without giving her a diagnosis. But it’s in my opinion very unlikely that it isn’t borderline. I learned a lot about it and she is a text book case.
I’ve always told her no matter what the diagnosis is or what her therapist would diagnose, I’d always accept and respect her. I’d always stay and support her. We both would learn something but I can’t do it on my own, I can only contribute and support. In the end, it’s about her and getting self aware. She had a lot of unjustified fears and eventually decided to break up with me. Before that, she abused me emotionally.
I should have seen it coming. But the way how she bombed me with love for almost an entire year, I just thought I found my soulmate. But they only see you as either white (idealizing you, thinking you can only be perfect) or as black (starting to hate you, devaluing and demonize you for no reason, like you’re a devil). There is no grey tone in between. This is called splitting and I’ve experienced both with her. They can only see someone as perfect or evil, nothing in between.
It started with only love and passion, but slowly she brought non-issues up or saw things I didn’t do. First it was abandonment fear, later fear of engulfment. She saw things that were simply not true, like I could meet a new woman and there was no way to convince her that I only love her. She started to treat me with breakups, either out of abandonment fear or later to force me to give up in an argument instead of seeking a compromise together.
Then she actually started to break up with me. Sometimes for a couple of minutes, other times for a few hours. We always got back together and then she loved me like no other woman ever has. This cycle did repeat and repeat. First it was a breakup per month, later weekly breakups and in the end every three days. The intervals got shorter and shorter after each breakup.
I just start to learn how and why I allowed that and other things. I became and I think I still am seriously trauma bonded to her. It’s because people like her can be passionate like no one else, especially in the idealization phase or love bombing stage. A “normal” person doesn’t love like that, it’s entirely different level of passion and love I got from my wife, at least until she started to devalue me due to her fears of abandonment.
See, now I wrote more than I wanted but it doesn’t cover in detail what I just experienced. I need to heal. I am not even sure if it’s the final end. She was very good at hoovering me back in. I just got co-dependent. Honestly, I still love her, but technically, maybe I’m just addicted to her. Or, maybe it’s more correct to say that I still love the person she showed first, not the one she is at the moment.
She would probably still be able to lure me back in. But it would probably end the same way, she’d abuse me again and paint me black to eventually discard me either due to her abandonment fears or due to fear of engulfment (needing love, but getting anxious if the relationship is perfect and about to enter the next level).
It might be that I will write about the things that I experienced. Maybe to heal myself. But I am not sure. Honestly, I am suffering a lot at the moment. I don’t have a lot of energy. Even writing is exhausting at the moment.
Diary of Dennis 
Wow, Dennis. No wonder you’ve been silent on the blog. I wish I could give you some solid advice, Dennis. I have been through three divorces, one with two kids and 14 years of child support which ended years ago. My kids are in their 30s.
I decided a good while ago that I will never marry again. It’s too costly in terms of money but more importantly, mentally/emotionally. I can feel your pain Dennis as I have experienced it myself too many times.
It’s not worth it anymore. I’m also 62 years young. A virtual hug for you, Dennis.
Yes, I became silent with the blog. First because we spend every single second together. But later because when I tried to get a bit of personal space back, she was against it. Against anything that would take away time with me from her. Hobbies, interests… she got jealous about friends and family including my own mother. And seriously, even my cat… imagine that. I entirely lost myself in this relationship. Everything I’ve been… now I am on this journey to re-discover who I was, who I am.
Unless she paints me white again… we gonna be divorced in a year. Let’s see. What makes me anxious is that I will have to co-parent with a person who can go nuts when her “episodes” get stronger… it’ll be difficult. It already makes me anxious.
Sad that you had to make such experiences too. Yes, mentally/emotionally it’s been, and still is difficult. Not sure if I ever can love again. But I don’t want to marry again either.
Thanks for the hug friend! Hugging back!
You are welcome, Dennis. I wish that somebody would have warned me about all of the stuff that was going to happen.
I found that the company of other men who have been through this experience was helpful and good to hang around with.
It helps ease the pain and eventually, I saw the light at the end of the tunnel to use an old saying. But it’s still true.
I have not dated since 2016 after the last divorce, honestly, I am afraid to get close to any woman again. Sound familiar? Hang on tight, it’s gonna be a rollercoaster ride.
Yep. The closest friends support me at the moment and shared similar stories with me. It helps a little bit while we have longer phone calls. Meanwhile, I’m getting hoovered (and negative hoovered or reverse hoovered) by my ex… she seeks contact directly with ridiculous stuff like giving me her bank account address via WhatsApp (as I still have to pay a part of the apartment rent next month)… we always exchanged money, so, she sure knows that I know her bank details. Before that she played the “block and deblock” game yet again. Itt’s a way to not let me from the hook… or she is hoovering me with negative stuff, like posting negative memes directly addressed at me, stuff about toxic husbands… in reality she is just projecting the problems she caused onto me and paints me black for no reason. Today in the morning I saw a missing call on my smartphone… she called for 2 secs… seriously… all that within three days after deblocking me everywhere… kinda strange for a person who claims not to want contact with me. Seriously, this is textbook borderline behaviour “I hate you, go away… but please not entirely” or push and pull stuff.
What is even more ridiculous is that I am entirely aware that it would always stay the same with her… cycles would just repeat again and again, with me getting emotionally abused yet again. But yes, something in my mind still tells me that I love her. If someone would ask me, I’d definitely would be inclined to answer “Yes, I absolutely love her”. That’s like a heroin addict who understands that heroin is bad, but still needs the fix. I am seriously trauma bonded I guess, or co-dependent on her.
At the moment, something inside me still hopes that she starts to realize what kind of walls and defences she puts up due to the disorder… and that she tells me that she wants to make it work with me and that she is doing her part…. but, I know this is just wishful thinking. Even if she would ask directly without any hoovering games… I guess the cycle would just continue… rupture and repair, rupture and repair, rupture and repair…. I thought we are at the final discard now… I am not that sure about this anymore based on her most recent behaviour. She is still playing strange games with me.
Really, really sorry to hear this Dennis! It won’t help you feel any better, but this sort of situation is probably more common than you think. It’s not something people used to talk in detail about years ago but it’s much easier to be open about it now.
I’ve experienced similar issues but I honestly haven’t found a good way to deal with it except to be alone 😦
Thank you. Yes, some of my friends keep contact with me again (my wife isolated me from family and friends) and they are not mad at me for not having contacted them… anyway, they say the same. It’s common and my friends made such experiences as well.
It’s sad you had to go through this as well. Yes, at the moment I feel the same. Still battling with all this and I am not sure if I ever will be able to love again… or trust someone again.
It’s insane… at the moment she starts hoovering me again… she broke up but she can’t let go entirely. It’s as if she doesn’t want me to heal and keep me on a rope until she knows what she wants. I’d love to go no contact but since I will have to maintain contact soon enough becuase of the baby in April… it’s no option. I am just passive now, that’s at least similar like no contact… but it seems that makes her hover me. It’s insane.
I’m sorry you have to go through this, Dennis, especially since a baby coming down the line should be a happy event, not the start of another sad conflict to overcome. I think your “no contact” stance is the best one since you could become consumed by her mental problems if you tried to work through them. As for the baby issue goes, she, your wife, probably will use your natural instincts to be involved with your child to fxxx you up anyway her mental issues direct her to fxxx you up. This will be the biggest challenge for you to overcome, sadly. I don’t know how laws in your country protect your rights as the biological father, but it isn’t too early to consult a lawyer to find out what those rights are in case you have to use the law to retain or gain those rights to have an involvement in the life of your child. Best wishes for a humane outcome to this growing tragedy.
Great comment, Doug, I agree.
I’ve been very happy when she woke me up, looked at me with her beautiful eyes and told me “We gonna be mom and dad”. It was one of the best moments in my entire life. It’s still burned into my head, like how she told me this in the morning and after the doctors confirmed it. Or months down the line, when we were holding hands and her doctor told us “It’ll be a girl”… we both did hold and press our hands and got tears. Or at home, playing baby music and massage her baby bumb and feel the first baby movements. I didn’z know what would follow next… that she entirely paints me black and doesn’t remember all of it, and how I only supported her. How happy I was with everything.
At the moment she is making no contact very difficult. Strange things are happening. I wonder if this is the so called “hoovering”? She had me blocked everywhere, I am currently sleeping at my moms home since two months. Previously, my wife played those blocking and deblocking games. But the last two weeks I’ve been entirely blocked everywhere. Meanwhile we met at court last friday, where I gave apartment keys to her on my own accord. He lawyer stressed that I should not contact her again even tho, she mostly contacted me “laugh”. I told her lawyer… “Look, I surely attempted to save this marriage as I loved her… but I told her already, if I walk out here after she demanded that I move out of the apartment, I won’t be interested in any communication either unless it’ll be about our baby soon”. Well, the reality is, I still love her and would love to communicate with her and make… but if she is playing such games and acts like I am a stalker… no, there is no way I will ever begin communication with such a lunatic again.
But what happened next? One day later, she opens all lines of communication, yet again deblocks me everywhere. One day after that, she tells me her bank account details (as I still have to pay a half rent next month). She sends me the bank details via WhatsApp, even tho, we always exchaged money over the year (which means she knows that I know her bank details). Also, 12 days before the actual payment? Not enough, today in the morning I see a 2 second call on my phone, it was her. Or posting status posts on WhatsApp about “evil husbands” or “people showing their true faces” (it’s just her projecting the problems she caused on me). All that within 3 days… strange coincidences for someone who just wants me to never contact her again. It’s like she is fishing for a reaction, no matter if positive or negative. She won’t get my reaction. I guess this is the hoovering everyone talks about related to borderline or narcs. I actually saw these patterns previously,… at least similar stuff. Especially the blocking and unblocking stuff or fishing for reactions. Or during the marriage… like the “I love you, go away!!! I love you, go away!!!” cycles.
“As for the baby issue goes, she, your wife, probably will use your natural instincts to be involved with your child to fxxx you up anyway her mental issues direct her to fxxx you up.”
Yep. I am already anxious about this. After all the projection over the last months… like seriously causing a conflict but telling everyone it was me who caused the issues… all those lies she is telling everyone… including lawyers and courts…. I am probably in for a bumpy ride.
“I don’t know how laws in your country protect your rights as the biological father, but it isn’t too early to consult a lawyer to find out what those rights are in case you have to use the law to retain or gain those rights to have an involvement in the life of your child.”
Yes, I already have one and I stay in contact with child protection service. But she too. At the moment it’s just about visiting times and there are already first conflicts on the horizon. But it’ll get worse over time.
Everyone in my family and my friends tell me to fight for the child so that it grows up with me, not at her place. But it’s not easy. Even my lawyer told me it’s difficult… for example, her therapist has obligation of secrecy. A chance would be a family psychology report, where both of us would be tested for educational ability but you can not force her to participate. In other words, my laywer said, unless there is blatant child endangerment, it won’t be worth it to fight for residence determination.
Thank you. True, it’s tragedy. It would be ironic, if it wouldn’t be that sad… she was afraid that I would leave her, let her alone with the baby… in the end, her borderline disorder forced her to be alone. They are afraid to lose you, but not afraid to ease abandonment anxiety by breaking up with you. When she first told me about her problems, I underestimated borderline and trauma entirely. These are serious disorders. And it fxxxs up relationships and families.
It’s even more ridiculous that I would still attempt to make it work, if she wanted to. It’s ridiculous that my mind constantly tells me that I love her. It’s probably just a trauma bond or I love the fake persona she showed for so long. But it hurts.
Wow, Dennis. I read Doug’s comment, I must agree with him. He and I have no idea what legalities are involved because of you being in a different country but I would certainly find an attorney who specialises in family law. Soon. I’ve been down this road…
Yep. I already have one specialized in family law…. but the current case was about the assignment of our apartment. She wanted to threw me out without a deadline and did other things like not letting me in with my keys or closing room doors with keys and so on. Or throwing my food in the garbage containers and even more lunatic stuff. I got a provisional order “laugh”… 1 week time to reply to the court. I didn’t get any idea except getting a laywer… because no time to search for an apartment… I had to defend myself. Her version is that I want to throw out a pregnant women from our apartment (projecting what she is doing, onto me)… the case was last friday and I just said I want to get out ASAP but with a 4 weeks deadline to pack all my stuff. I told her at court that it’s now over from my side as well… since then she starts the hoovering.
You both are right. Just taking a look at all the projection she is doing, all those lies…there is no way to get through the next time without a family lawyer.
Wow man, you’ve got yourself in a real pickle as we say, Dennis. You are going to have to make some tough decisions but don’t back down. Having been through this process some years ago I was sickened to see how much the court system favors women in cases like this. We have attorneys here that specialize in defending men from the court system’s favoritism. That says a lot, doesn’t it? Hang on tight.
So true. I already got a first taste of the court system favoring women. Even child protecttion service should be renamed to “woman’s helping industry”. I just had to visit them as I my wife harrassed me by telling them that she has to protect herself and her son, as I called the police to get access to our apartment (laugh). I went there with 12 pages I wrote about my wife, the instable relationship between her and her son, and how her mother is the only person who should be monitored for child endangerment. My wifes mother is a narc and uses my wifes son against my wife as a weapon or leverage quite often… like “if you don’t do this or that, I never contact you again and your son won’t visit me again”.
After the police did let me into our apartment, my wife called her controlling mother… once police was away, I got three death threats from her mother directly in front of my stepson… not to mentionen that this boy always liked me a lot and told everyone outside about it… now my wife and her mother “vaxxed” (that’s how we say it in Gemany if a kid gets manipulated against you) the boy against me. More than that happend. All of it counts as child endangerment in Germany. I documented all of it on 12 pages… guess what… even after telling them about the death threats against me from his grandma in front of him, they just told me it’s child endangerment due to the fact that I haven’t moved out at that time… and that these situations can only occur if I am present in my own apartment… (laugh). They entirely skipped the point that I am quite and attempt to not have conflicts in front of the boy, while his grandma screams and talks bad about me in front of him, and worse like with the death threats. What a role model his grandma is. And the child protection service is a complete joke as same as the cours like you said.
It’s going to be a difficult time once our baby is born. It’ll be constant trouble. Yeah, I need to hang on tight.
Oh, my Lord. Using a child as a tool to fight the other parent only hurts the child in the long run. I don’t know what to say, Dennis, I really can’t offer any advice here which I shouldn’t do anyway. I just feel so bad for you, that you are dealing with much of the same crap I had to. There really is a light at the end of this terrible tunnel, you’ve got to do battle to get there.
Thanks. Sad you had to deal with the same crap. I truly believe in karma. At the moment I might be very sad but I try to remind myself that I always walked through life with integrity and will continue to do so. I remind myself that those who don’t do will cause themselves way more trouble in the long run than they cause us. Maybe it’s not visible right away, and it’s ridiculous how much damage they can cause and that we had/have to deal with their crap… but their life will always be filled with trouble, since they don’t understand that no-one except themselves are the root of their issues…
In the case of my wife, if she won’t self-reflect and get into a fitting therapy like DBT, she will keep hurting others, and herself after me. By now I even start to question the entire story she told me about her “evil ex” in the beginning, now that she’s running a smear campaign with lies against me who didn’t do anything else than love and support her… it’s a classic drama triangle… someone must be a victim, someone a rescuer, and someone a persecutor. She will tell the next guy how evil of an ex I am. I guess she will stay in this loop foever.
I really tried to help her. During the good phase and when things slowly went south hill, I learned about her issues… I thought I could offer her stability and support. But I really really underestimated it. Now it’s time to heal myself instead of offering her help. Hope she won’t soak me back in.
Thanks for your support John.
You are welcome, Dennis. Do not let her suck you back into her web of anger. My second wife was a hoarder but I didn’t pick up on that until it was well beyond our wedding day. I guess that you didn’t pick up on her issues until it was too late. I wish we could have a beer and talk about this, a fellow guy helping a fellow guy…
Thanks. I will try. And you’re right… I didn’t pick up on it either until it was too late. I mean, I knew some of her issues but I didn’t know that her mental issues would be that severe or to what extent it would go.
Yeah, this would be cool but I’d say “cheers!” with a coke in my hand! 🙂
Ah, a coke works too!
Hi Dennis, I just noticed your post. I often wondered how you were getting on since you stopped blogging. I imagined you busy and happy with your new family. I’m so sorry to learn that was not the case. I know how hard you tried to make the relationship work.
Things are not going to be easy for you, especially regarding your child but at least you have your mother and your friends who will support you. Lean on them when you need to.
Hi Vanda.
Yes, at the beginning I stopped blogging because we enjoyed every single second together and forgot everything around us for a long time. That’s very typical for a borderline relationship. During they idealize you, the couple forms a strong symbiosis. It happens to a degree with “normal” couples as well during the honey moon stage but not to the degree as with with a couple involving a borderline person and one who becomes co-dependent. First I enjoyed it a lot, it was paradise… but at some point I started to make time for family and friends too, it worked for a while until she started to manipulate me, them and attempted to isolate me from everyone.
Same with hobbies, I wanted to make some time for my interests but soon it became very clear that she didn’t like that. I honestly wouldn’t or didn’t want to spend as much time with my hobbies like when I was single, because I simply noticed that I won’t have that much time anymore with a family, and I truly enjoyed the family life… but even 2 hours in a week did upset her. I then lost myself in this relationship. One close friend who is married told me in secret that this is very toxic, they as a married couple spend a lot of time but also grant each other freedom. I didn’t know what was coming next and that things just would get worse.
I think my future consists of meeting lawyers and visiting family courts. I just got an impression recently.
I’ve been so happy that we would become mom and dad together. And it’ll be a daughter… my wife is in the 7th month.
While her mental issues have been visible before November, I didn’t know how bad it really could get. I totally underestimated it.
It feels like a bad dream. We’ve been so happy when she got pregnant. It was planned. Her splitting symptom got severe during November and she became a completely different persona and devalued me entirely. Now I am hated, she perceives me as the worst person you can imagine. She is somewhat psychotic at the moment, makes up a wrong reality. If not that, then she is projecting every bad characteristic or herself or everything bad she has done, onto me. In December it got that bad, that I for the first time knew what the “gaslighting” I’v always heard about really feels like if you are on the receiving end. You truly start to question your own reality.
In November it got already as bad that she raised her voice during a discussion and told me that I would scream at her which I haven’t done. I previously told her in a quit way what my perspective would be about something daily… It was really just a solveable disagreement about something daily, something we would have found a compromise easily. She started to scream at me, but projected it onto me and told me I have done it. Even worse, she then told me “I’d really like to slap your face” and when I asked why she would say something like that, she projected it onto me and asked me “What will happen next in our relationship, will you beat me up?”. I told her that I’d never do this and that I just don’t know what is going on with her. I left the living room and went to the kitchen and got tears in my eyes because I couldn’t handle the situation. She closed the living room door and called the police against me. This was the second time I saw her in a major psychotic breakdown.
Everything what followed was used against me. Police arrived, and they perceived me as “peaceful” and it turned out they perceived my wife as reacting strangely. One police officer asked me if she would be in any kind of therapy. It was outside and my wife was inside but it turned out she hid behind the window and listened to us. I didn’t lie to the police officer. For two reasons… first, because you don’t lie when the police arrives for whatever reason. Second, because I was seriously afraid that my wife would tell them that I beat her, which I have never done and would never do. So, I told them that she is in therapy with cPTSD and other things… and that her therapist suspects borderline. We attempted reconciliation days later when she split me white, but the intervals between splitting have been so short now that I was immedietly painted black again. And then she would project onto me that I got her into trouble with the police, and the she can’t trust me anymore as I told strangers about her therapy. Well, entirely skipping the reality, that the police just didn’t understand why they were called, and that I’ve been both, sad and afraid that she believed I would ever beat her. That she could have gotten me into trouble, and that she forced me to answer questions like “Is your wife in therapy?” by calling them for no reason.
Since then it just got worse and worse. A day later she emptied the entire apartment and told me she would move out right now, without having a new apartment. But she definitely removed all kind of furniture. Heavily pregnant, looking at me hateful while telling me “See, you’re such a bad person, you don’t even help your pregnant wife moving out?!?!”. I was just shellshocked that she disassembles everything, brought stuff into the basement, while she just asked me days earlier if I could imagine to have a second baby with her at some point… or having romantic candle light evenings, cuddling and so on. She got some helpers like her mom who is a controlling narcisist… she just used her daughters episode to achieve full control over her again. She helped her removing furniture.
My wife moved to her mother with all kind of stuff, and I visited my mother for some days.
It was projected onto me that I kicked my wife out of the apartment, instead of going myself. Well, if you just broken up with, how can you move out right away if there are things such as 3 month notice period.. and a desolate apartment market. And, why would you, if it appears like your wife moves out? She even called the tenant, who told me via email that my wife indeed asked for a partial termination of the contract. Until today it’s been told that I attempted to kick out my wife of our apartment. You truly loose your marbles. These are just a few examples of what happened. By the way, she moved back in with all furniture 4 days later and did everything that I couldn’t get access to the apartment, while telling me in the same moment on the phone and I threw her out. It was the strangest moment of my life when I said “Well, I am still at my moms apartment, you don’t let me into our apartment” and she replied “No, you threw me out, you don’t get it!?!?”.
We went to court over the question about who will stay in the apartment. Not because I wouldn’t do this voluntarily
but because I got a restraining order with a 1 week deadline to reply to the court. What do you do? Of course, you get a lawyer before you’re thrown out without having rented a new apartment. She projected onto me “You fight for the apartment, you’re such a bad guy that you would be willingly throw out a pregnant women”. No, I got a lawyer and went to court because I needed time to find an apartment and pack by bags. Not just that… there were all kind of lies in the restraining orders. She previously treated me with breakup over a minor argument that could have been solved easily as well… no big stuff. But treating me again with breakup, taking away my security in this relationship, I told her “Look, it’s sick that you constantly treat me with breakup instead of solving issues like an adult”. In the restraining order of her lawyer it’s written that I said to her “You are my little sick psycho girl”. It’s written that I said that in front of her son, who by the way was in school at this morning when I told her that it would be sick that she would emotionally abuse me like that. You think it can not get worse? There was more bullshit in the letter, and I told my lawyer what really happened. She lied so much, and what happened when my wife got my lawyers reply? She wrote me a WhatsApp message and projected onto me “Hey, I can’t believe what kind of crap you told your lawyer!!”… at this point I wished this would just be a bad dream. But nope… THAT is what happens when you split pitch black by a borderline.
Haven’t seen it coming in the first 7 months. Because you can’t… as pitch black you will be painted at a later stage, as white you will be painted at the beginning. I felt like god for 7 months, I thought this must be it, this is how it must be when you found your soul mate. It was so good, it was unreal…. as unreal as it now is that I am perceived as the devil.
This isn’t even all. I think I would have enough stories to tell now to create tons of blogposts about it. It’s sad. Maybe I will do at some point, I don’t know.
I wish I would get my daughter. Maybe I can at some point. But my lawyer already told me how difficult it is. Her therapist has confidentiality. We could start a report educational ability at family curt… but in Germany you can’t force anyone to a report. My lawyer said, the issue is that mental endangerment is not as visible as physical violence. He knows what kind of damage a borderline mother can cause to a child… psychic damage… but he said it’s not visible. Unless she starts to beat our child at some point, there are not much chances to do anything. Some things that a borderline mother could cause is child endangerment but a lot of it is difficult to prove at the courts. He told me some things that might happen, some traps she might fall into based on her current behaviour… like spreading lies about me… if she is doing it later in front of our child, she could get into trouble with child protection service. Also mental overload could make things blatant. I don’t want my child to suffer… if this happens, my kid is already affected. But I surely would fight for my daughter at courts in this case. What is worse, I think my wife doesn’t suffer with normal borderline but she is most likely a quit borderline, those who rather implode than explode… until, well… they have taken so much inward that they actually explode too. Hard to spot until that point.
Just in case my wife paints me white again or her episode dries down… just in case she speaks rationally again and comes to me. I’d give her another chance if she would become aware of her mental issues. I am pretty sure her therapist is on the right track with borderline. But then her therapist is simply not enough. She would need serious ambulant DBT therapy. In such case, I would support her and give her a chance. I would help her, but she has to realize that she needs to do more than visiting a therapist once a week.
It’s so tragic. Definitely underestimated her issues. And I am not new to psychology… as you know, I’ve had my issues as well, from anxiety to depression. My wife knew this too. We talked about our both issues. I respected her even with her issues, never rated her badly because of it. It was all ok to talk about it, until she split me black. It’s used against me now too. At court she said “he is diagnosing me” which isn’t true. We had the topic because she started it at some point, told me about her therapists opinion. Because I know so much, and because I made my observations. Sure, I strongly believe it is borderline.. but openly in front of my wife, I’ve meant it when I told her “Look, no matter what it is called, what your therapist diagnoses you at some point, I’d always support you”… but I told her too “As you do, I think I see paralels with borderline” we even read articles she found. She suffered from dichotomious thinking a lot… this caused issues in our relationship like other stuff… I basically just told her that if it has a name, like borderline, not just her can work on it, I would also learn how to deal with it. Her lawyer still thought this is diagnosing and while something inside me wished to just tell himto “f##k off”, I stayed cool and said “Look, I can not diagnose anyone, I am not a practitioner”. Fortunately the judge agreed with me and stopped the monkey business.
The fact that they brought it up at court is already idiotic. My wife is in therapy for mental issues and I always supported her from the beginning, point. I respected her, never judged her negatively. And discussing this at a court case that is about the apartment, is just idiotic. Far more idiotic than what I have done two month earlier when a police officer asked me if my wife is in therapy after she acted strangely. Sorry, I don’t and never will lie in front of officials, especially not when it smells like a smear campaign starts against me. I myself wouldn’t have brought any of it up at court unless she and her lawyer would have brought up some of the blatant lies of which there have been many in the letter. Fortunately we skipped most of it as I just told the judge “Look, I want to get out of the apartment ASAP, all I am her for is that I demand a deadline to be able to find a place where I can store my stuff” and continued “I move out freely as I can no longer take the accusations”.
It’s still not over. My wife could be happy now. But she still finds stuff to contact me. At court she said she doesn’t want me to ever contact her again. Child protection service was present and told her “Well, when the baby is born, you need to communicate”. But the point my wife made was that she doesn’t want to hear from me for now. I told her at court. We still had contact at times, it was either her calling me, or I called her. Same as for writing. But when her lawyer did make a comment like “We could file a report because of stalking laws” I just thought it’s getting ridiculous. Hearing that from her lawyer one week after my wife called me for 45 mins giving me mixed signals and after I told her on the phone “If we have been at court and if I moved out, there is no way back, so, if you want to reconciliation, we need to start now”. I did repeat that at court and asked her lawyer if that would make sense to him?
It’s so ridiculous. That woman got a restraining order against me by the end of November while still sleeping with me until in December. Showing me mixed signals back and forth (splitting)… including push and pull… classical “I hate you, but wait, don’t leave me!!!”, which included constantly seeking contact on her own even now in January 2023… and her lawyer is telling me “Don’t stalk or we file something against you!”. My brain almost exploded.
Once our baby is born, it’s going to get worse. I have read so much about borderline now and consumed every expert video I could find… I wouldn’t even wonder if she would paint me white again, wanting to go on with me like nothing ever happened. That wouldn’t be an uncommon story.
Sorry, for the long comment. You don’t have to reply in detail. But it somehow helped me to type this down. Maybe I will really start to process all of it with blogposts at some point.
It really is tragic that this has happened and I feel concerned for your well being as well as your child’s. As much as you still care about her it seems like you should would be at risk if you reconciled with your wife again unless she gets some serious help.
You have my email address if you want to write privately, I think. The only one I have for you is through the blog and as you had not been posting I wasn’t sure if you still checked that mail. If it helps you to write it out either publicly or privately then go ahead. I can’t tell you how sorry I am that this has happened.
Thank you Vanda. It is tragic. I am still so confused. I am entirely suffering with cognitive dissonance at the moment, having two polarized feelings about her constantly. I do both love and hate her now… but it has to do with her “splitting” behaviour… I love that good person she was for 7 months, I dislike the psychotic person she is now. It’s difficult to feel this kind of polarization. I can think logically and know this woman is not good for me but there is still so much hopium… that she will realize what is going on and seek help and we keep going… I am fully aware that my hope ridiculous. I do both things at the same time, I am aware that any kind of hope is ridiculous but at the same time it feels like I truly love her. It’s insane.
Hi Dennis, if you still have my email address feel free to write anytime. I always enjoy hearing from you.
Hey Vanda, as I am still at my mothers home, I can’t set up my desktop computer. But I purchased a gaming notebook. I set up everything but I don’t have old emails and stuff imported to the notebook. My email adresses only show new emails. So, I don’t have you mail adress on this system. Can you drop the address in my contact form? Or the email you knew.. I still use the blog mail.
OK Dennis I will do that. I did find another email address that I thought was yours but although I have some really old emails from you I don’t seem to have the last ones we exchanged. We will get back in touch, one way or another.