I married on June 2 but we are no longer together since November 24. We came together on February 27, although we had almost a half year of relational “foreplay” before that. From February 2022 on, I must say I experienced the most beautiful time I ever had and that at least for 7 months with a few “hiccups” in between. But the last 2 months have been horrible. I am not ready yet to write about it in detail. The only thing I can say is that I thought I could heal a woman with personality disorder with love. I just learned the hard way, you can’t.
I am emotionally battered since the breakup. I’ve been emotionaly abused. It will take a lot of time to heal from this. I am really suffering. It’s still hard to comprehend that someone can bomb you with love for so long and then hate you like the worst enemy no matter how good you have been. It’s still hard to comprehent how someone can actively plan a baby with you, and later hate you even if you haven’t done anything other than love and support the person.
Yes, she is pregnant and I am going to be father in April. We’ve been so happy about it. We visited the gynecologist together and I supported her in any imaginable way, but at the end it was not enough. She broke up and it was very likely caused by borderline symptoms. Not sure if it was due to the hormones, but her mental problems got worse and worse. Now I am a persona non grata, for no reason.
She isn’t diagnosed with borderline, she is in therapy because of traumatic stress disorder and other things. But her therapist already told her that she might have borderline, without giving her a diagnosis. But it’s in my opinion very unlikely that it isn’t borderline. I learned a lot about it and she is a text book case.
I’ve always told her no matter what the diagnosis is or what her therapist would diagnose, I’d always accept and respect her. I’d always stay and support her. We both would learn something but I can’t do it on my own, I can only contribute and support. In the end, it’s about her and getting self aware. She had a lot of unjustified fears and eventually decided to break up with me. Before that, she abused me emotionally.
I should have seen it coming. But the way how she bombed me with love for almost an entire year, I just thought I found my soulmate. But they only see you as either white (idealizing you, thinking you can only be perfect) or as black (starting to hate you, devaluing and demonize you for no reason, like you’re a devil). There is no grey tone in between. This is called splitting and I’ve experienced both with her. They can only see someone as perfect or evil, nothing in between.
It started with only love and passion, but slowly she brought non-issues up or saw things I didn’t do. First it was abandonment fear, later fear of engulfment. She saw things that were simply not true, like I could meet a new woman and there was no way to convince her that I only love her. She started to treat me with breakups, either out of abandonment fear or later to force me to give up in an argument instead of seeking a compromise together.
Then she actually started to break up with me. Sometimes for a couple of minutes, other times for a few hours. We always got back together and then she loved me like no other woman ever has. This cycle did repeat and repeat. First it was a breakup per month, later weekly breakups and in the end every three days. The intervals got shorter and shorter after each breakup.
I just start to learn how and why I allowed that and other things. I became and I think I still am seriously trauma bonded to her. It’s because people like her can be passionate like no one else, especially in the idealization phase or love bombing stage. A “normal” person doesn’t love like that, it’s entirely different level of passion and love I got from my wife, at least until she started to devalue me due to her fears of abandonment.
See, now I wrote more than I wanted but it doesn’t cover in detail what I just experienced. I need to heal. I am not even sure if it’s the final end. She was very good at hoovering me back in. I just got co-dependent. Honestly, I still love her, but technically, maybe I’m just addicted to her. Or, maybe it’s more correct to say that I still love the person she showed first, not the one she is at the moment.
She would probably still be able to lure me back in. But it would probably end the same way, she’d abuse me again and paint me black to eventually discard me either due to her abandonment fears or due to fear of engulfment (needing love, but getting anxious if the relationship is perfect and about to enter the next level).
It might be that I will write about the things that I experienced. Maybe to heal myself. But I am not sure. Honestly, I am suffering a lot at the moment. I don’t have a lot of energy. Even writing is exhausting at the moment.