The Mother-in-law Conflict

My wife had a dispute with her controlling and narcissistic mother since we’ve been together. That happened a few times in their history as my wife told me. Her mother never liked it if she had a boyfriend, or in general if she tried to break out and attempted to live independent.

When their dispute was ongoing, my wife often showed me messages of her mother. Honestly, I’ve never seen a mother writing like that with her daughter. Her text messages always have been highly manipulative, passive-aggressive and often even outright abusive.

Later the contact between them broke up entirely, they blocked each other everywhere. They now communicated on a different way. When the son of my wife visited his grandma, they wrote things on small notes and used the son of my wife as a postman who delivered the notes. It became even more ridiculous at some point. Instead of unblocking each other on messengers, her mother now contacted her via Ebay and they communicated there. Imagine that.

Anyway, my wife suffered that their contact was bad. They started to communicate via home phone as the dog of her mother was about to die. My wife was interested to stay up to date as she grewup with the dog. She even went to her mother when the dog got the lethal injection at her mothers home. But the relationship between her and her mother was still bad.

One evening my wife got a phone call again. Her mother was crying, claimed she would have a panic attack, feels alone without the dog. Today I think it was probably a narcissistic exploit (hoovering), to get control over her daughter again. But hey, what did I know, I just had empathy and while my wife told her on the phone “Nope, I am not gonna visit you”, I whispered “Hey, do that, go visit your mother”. If I would have known what would come in the future, I wouldn’t have pushed my wife to make a move towards her mother.

That’s basically how their contact started again. It’s kinda ironic that her mother was cold when my wife asked her mother to accept me, the husband. My wife told me that her mother couldn’t care less. This is also why they had trouble again after the visit. Since my wife was stubborn about this, and I think rightfully in this case, her narcissistic mother must have noticed there is now only one way left to get control over her daughter again.

Her mother never greeted or greeted back when we met by coincidence. But one day she just started to greet me again, and that very friendly. I told this my wife who was as confused as I was. Today I believe her mother just caved in as she realized her daughter didn’t want her to intervene anymore in her personal life decisions. So, her mother basically had to find out how to control her in a different way. The solution was to accept me as a son in law, but attempt to control both of us.

I have been naive, and didn’t realize that this would happen next. I’ve been naive to think that she truly just accepted me. She just played that role quite well, even invited me for coffee as well. But it was just a matter of time until I realized that she basically inter-meddled whenever there was something where my wife and me would have to make a decision together. Her mother simply told her daughter what she should do, and my wife just embraced it, didn’t even ask me for an opinion anymore at some point.

The Christmas Example

I mean, I could write about a ton of example, but planning Christmas is a really good one. When the mother of my wife seemed to accept me, my wife told me “Honestly, don’t rejoice too soon, I am already afraid when we start to plan Christmas, because my mother will tell us how the days will go, and it’s likely she will not consider your family”. It’s ironic that I didn’t believe her. In fact, I soon would learn about two things. When her narcissistic mother has contact again, my wife becomes submissively dependent on her. Not just that, my opinion would no longer count or even be heard.

One morning in October, my wife visited her mother and came back home. In the kitchen she told me happily that she just talked with her mother about the Christmas days. She told me that I am welcome everywhere and that we will visit her grandpa with her mother together at Christmas Eve. She then told me that we would be at her mother’s home the first Christmas-day.

I was a bit shocked and said “Okay!?”. She then asked me if I have any problem. I was bewildered that she even would ask that. I calmly replied “Lovey, you know I will enjoy it to visit your family with you together, but I feel like you both planned all the days already without me or considering my family”. My wife got mad and impulsively left the apartment and went to her mother.

I did then send her a text message “You always told me, together with your son, we’re a little family. I just wish that we would plan such things together, of course fair, considering both of our families”. I then got a very confusing reply…

I see more and more that I can not talk with you about everything, even if you told me so. This is making me very sad. Nobody said that I talked with my mother about anything. I just told you what I talked about with her. And I thought, alone because of my son, it would be clear that we would visit my family during Christmas. I simply have a child, and my son belongs to his family. And if we can’t agree, then we need to celebrate Christmas separately. It seems like you haven’t listened to me in the kitchen.

Damn, even reading it today again, it has everything in it. Crazy stuff like “I didn’t talk with my mother, I just told you what we talked about”, gas-lighting that it is me who hasn’t listened correctly in the kitchen. A threat that we will celebrate it separately if I do not obey and what not. Meanwhile we talked on the phone. I just saw her message later and I replied to her…

As I said, the only thing I wish for is that we both decide together. There are a ton of ways to come to an agreement. Some days ago you told me that you will get a conflict with your mother as soon as you tell her that she now needs to consider us as a family. And now you try to avoid the conflict, by not involving me as your husband. Instead you clearly tell me how Christmas will happen. In the kitchen I just wanted to tell you “Hey, I am here too?”. You’re my wife, and I can assure you that I would first of all make plans with you, and then coordinate that with my mother plans. In a fair way, of course, with the intention that we visit everyone, coordinating with everyone, with your family, with my family.

After that she called me again and complained a lot about things I am not responsible for. She also asked me if I want her to get into a conflict with her mother again, which was ridiculous because I was the one who basically pushed her a few times to reach out her hands (which I regretted already). During the phone call, I attempted to get a chance to reply but my wife was upset, thus I made my points with a new message after the call…

I am not responsible that you both had a conflict. I am not responsible that she was not there when your son got enrolled into school. It wasn’t me who brought you into the position to decide between her or me, it was her who forced you to decide and you decided for me. My contribution is just that I love you. I am sorry. I can’t help it.

You told me everything about your conflicts yourself. That your mother can not let you loose, doesn’t want you to grow up, that she’d still prefer to decide for you. That she doesn’t perceive you as an independent child. That’s something you told me, something you are battling with, a part of your conflict, and thus I am really not responsible for it. You always said yourself your mother constantly shoots herself in the foot. It’s neither your or my fault that she missed the school enrollment.

I do understand that you don’t want conflicts with your mother again. I am just hoping that you don’t forget me. It’s hurting me if you tell me that we otherwise must celebrate Christmas separately. It hurts, that you don’t listen to me, that you don’t understand that I don’t demand much, except being seen too. It’s hurting me too when you tell me that I am stressing you, while it is clearly evident that you still have an unsolved conflict with your mother. I think you are stressed because you know that your relationship with your mother can easily catch fire again, just because you’re married and have an independent life. You just recently said it again.

We met each other in our apartment again during lunch time and I cooked for us. Meanwhile she told me that I am not better than her ex boyfriend, who as she claimed abused her, but that is another story. She even claimed that I wouldn’t be any good for her or her son. That did hurt so much to hear, because I’ve done everything for them and respected her son as well. When she said these things, I was barely able to keep cooking as I got muscle shivering, I guess it was a nervous breakdown. I just finished the meals for them and left the apartment. Then I received a message:

She:

Thanks that you left us alone. Thank you that we now have to eat alone.

Me:

The things you say are hurting me. I am like your ex, I am not good for you and your son. I wasn’t even able anymore to fully concentrate on the cooking. I was shaking. You made me incredibly sad. I felt it already in the kitchen, that I just lost my appetite.

She:

Where are you?

Me:

At my mother’s apartment, reading a book with my foster sister.

She:

Stunning! And we have to eat alone. Nice to know!

Me:

As I said, I have no appetite anymore today. Just in case you still haven’t heard me, I got some kind of nervous breakdown. Wasn’t barely able to hold or fill the cooking pot with water. The things you’ve said are very mean. I visited my mother because I want a little space to regain my senses. I am sorry.

She:

Maybe we both should fall a decision to feel better again. We can not continue this way.

Me:

What do you mean?

She:

You know what I mean.

Me:

We married this year, I guess I decided for you. There is nothing to decide and I don’t throw this away easily. I guess that’s why I put emphasis on living and deciding together and being a team. That was my only point, I’d always integrate you into plans first. I’m just asking you for the same.

She:

You are not aware what pregnancy means. Only stress and disputes here, that is not good for the baby. You are just discussing and then the stress begins. I can’t do that anymore, and I don’t want that anymore. I just simply can not anymore. And that in front of my child.

Me:

Of course I know what pregnancy means. Do you know what marriage means? I am fighting for us, just wanting us to decide together, so that we can hold together. It becomes a burden anyway, especially when the person that constantly claims to love you, equally often puts a pistol on your head. Or if you’re not integrated into decision making or if you get unjustified accusations.

Just so that you know. Right now you are creating a dispute because you’re denying your husband something that is completely normal with couples, that they just sit together and calmly decide and synchronize their festive period with their families. I have zero issues to visit your family, the only thing I wished for was that you would have involved me into your plans. I am just telling you that I want us to visit my family too. And what do I get? Another breakup threat again. If you don’t love me anymore, if you want that, go ahead!

She:

The permanent disputes, the constant stress and all the discussion here, you are doing everything right now that I can no longer be sure about my own feelings towards you.

Me:

Well, okay.

The Days After

That evening we went to bed without talking a lot. Next morning we woke up and it wasn’t difficult to spot that my wife was still completely stresses. Her son was on the receiving end, she talked with him very stressed, which then stressed him. I helped her with the tasks but it didn’t improve the situation. She wanted to bring him to school alone. I opened the door for them, but yet she still touched the door slightly. She then looked at me hatefully and said “Bugger me!”.

She got a message from me on her way “I just wanted to help, and instead of a thank you, I am getting told that I am bugging you. If you are edgy, calm down and stop putting me or your son on the receiving end!”. Related to touching the door, she then replied and claimed “I hurt myself”. I replied “We really should calm down, I love you anyway”. She came home like nothing ever happened between us and love bombed me the evening and days after. My birthday followed and she wrote me:

My darling, my husband, my sweet bear, my whole world. I wish you all the best, love with me, a lot of luck, satisfaction, and beautiful moments in your new year of life. I love you endlessly, to the heaven and back.

So classic, absolutely borderline… it’s often been as they say: I hate you, don’t leave me. This is exactly how a borderline person makes you feel during a love relationship. But by the time you notice, it’s already too late, she already made you move in, you probably married and made a baby. And later she becomes slowly toxic and the intervals of the incidents get shorter. By that time you’re also already co-dependent yourself and already trauma bonded with all the toxic abuse going on.

In my case, the things just got worse as soon as her mother intermeddled everywhere. The more contact they had, the more submissively dependent she became again on her mother. That wasn’t the case when we came together, altthough she told me it was often and for a long time the case before we came together. I do assume if your mother abused you for 28 years, you might see that at some point but are likely get soaked back in again. Her narcissistic mother now even tried to control me but that didn’t work for long. As soon as she noticed that I am acting as an independent grown up individual, her smearcampaign against me, against us started again, like before my wife and her got contact again. The sad thing is, her mother was in the end able to convince my wife of a lot of ridiculous stuff. Thus, I became an enemy, and discarded by my wife.