Maybe it’s my way to heal, but I am still going through the text messages and communication I had with my wife. Doing this helps me to get rid of any self-doubt, that I am the crazy one. And after a breakup with a borderline, you definitely get these self-doubts, due to the constant gas lighting, projection and reversal of guilt. I just thought I might post some examples of this on my blog. Let’s start with one.
I will translate a part of a message I got from her on December 29. It has been a very long message filled with absurd things. But I will translate an excerpt that shows her subconsciously projecting something she is doing onto me. Here we go, translation starts…
Here is what she wrote…
During the last disputes we had before the breakup, you made me feel like a little girl. An example would be when I suggested you to put a lot of pillows below the couch so that your cat can no longer hide under the couch and claim that area as her territory and start attacks on me. I did address the idea several times, but only when I wanted to breakup, you wanted to purchase the pillows.
It was the same with the installment plans. You only agreed to purchase things in installments when I wanted to breakup with you. Now you wanted to purchase things for our bedroom and the baby furniture. Out of a sudden you thought we could translate that into action.
You know what? That is pure manipulation!
Who is manipulating Whom?
Fact is, adult problem solving was not possible with her. Why? Because problem solving with her was never a “Tell me your idea, I tell you mine” type of conversation. And most of the time we never found an agreement on the ideas of her or my side, nor a compromise. Because in the end, she often preempted such outcome with a breakup threat. And as you can see, she even openly admitted it to herself, by mentioning it in her message.
She just has the distorted view that it’s not her manipulating me with a breakup threat, but that I was manipulating her by subjecting to her threat. I moved in, we married, we planned a baby and got her pregnant. I just didn’t want her to break up on impulse, but I already was aware she was abusing me.
She manipulated me, and she projected it onto me, that I would manipulate her. She also has false memories.
Explaining my view…
I never wanted her to feel like a little girl. This is a feeling she carries inside her because she has a narcissistic and controlling mother, who didn’t let her daughter grow up and instructed her how to live or managing all her stuff before I got together with my wife. But that is another story. Making her feel like a little girl, that is her projecting that wound onto me.
Talking about the cat, the couch and the pillows. It is very likely that my cat did attack my wife for a reason. It later turned out that there is a high chance that my wife abused my cat. It is another story too. I won’t go into detail, but don’t worry my cat is save now and fine. I didn’t suspect abuse at that time.
The reality is that I didn’t disagree to the pillow idea, in fact I did put several guitar bags under the couch, immediately, to find out if my cat would look for another territory and start attacks again (which never happened when I was there). I just asked my wife to start feeding my cat, because that was my idea, and my wife complained “Why should I feed a cat that attacks me?”. She went even further and pressured me by saying “You need to decide between me and your cat”. That alone is a long story, but she broke up with me that evening. We got together again the same evening.
Talking about purchasing things on installment plans, all I did was that I reassured her that we will make our bedroom for the baby ready. My wife had financial issues before we came together and caused some more during our relationship. I didn’t know either of it, but when she brought it up, she cried in our bedroom and told me she was afraid to tell me. I massaged her neck and told her “Now it is like it is, we solve the issue together but please be open to me from now on”.
I made a plan, including a LibreOffice chart, including calculations with formulas and what not. I was afraid at first when she told me about the financial issues she caused, but looking at my charts, I got a really good overview and knew the issue would be solved by the end of the year. According to the calculation, we would have decent money for purchases, and that six months before child birth.
I knew we would be able to finish the room for the baby and purchasing all the other things, by February and the baby will come in April. We also were awaiting some larger payments by the end of the year. So, my idea was to purchase with cash, instead of installments because it would cost less without interests. And why getting new debts, when you can achieve it with cash and a little patience, especially when you’re still paying debts off. I mean, you need to stay realistic.
I knew too how important the baby stuff is. But she demanded we purchase things on installments, while still having her debts, and that with enough time ahead to get the room finished. I knew this wasn’t related to borderline but pregnancy nesting instinct. I told her “Sure, we can do it right now like you mean, but I am just thinking that we should consider not getting into a debt trap situation”. I reassured her that we will get everything done early enough. She told me it gives her fears for the future and made a breakup threat. I accepted her method, but immediately got fears for the future myself, because now I knew the future would mean financial irresponsibilities and troubles.
No matter what…
The point of the post was to show how she solved issues. She basically put a pistol on my chest and said “Look, we gonna do it my way, or you have a problem”. I was actually always very interested to listen to her ideas and often went with her ideas instead of my own, without her being able to pressure me with a breakup threat. I was interested to find ways together, a compromise for example. But I also didn’t mind doing things her way, in fact I always asked her and wanted to make decisions with her together as a team. But I definitely wanted to stay realistic, for example with finances.
Often we haven’t even be able to share our ideas and thoughts in detail or seek solutions together as a team. She perceived that process alone as an attack, it wasn’t just visible right away. In fact, calmly sharing ideas or views, was something she already saw as a dispute, as she later claimed, while it only really became one if she threatened me with breakup again. Even the last times we talked after the breakup, it became clear she saw the most normal couple conversation as a dispute.
But that’s borderline, they either idealize you and see everything that is happening with you together as perfect, or they start their devaluation phase and see everything they experienced with you as horrible, as a dispute. Until they are completely convinced you’re a villain, a selfish person that never loved her. It’s strange that when someone hurts you like that, that you can still feel sorry for them. I feel sorry for her that her life will stay this unstable. I supported as much as I could and I hoped it would give her stability while she solves her personal issues. That idea was unrealistic to begin with.
4 thoughts on “Absurdities With my Borderline Wife: Who is manipulating Whom?”
As a twice divorced but now very long married woman, my first divorce was clean and simple. I married when I was 18 and by the time I was 30, I had changed. He hadn’t which HE thought was perfect. Reality? I couldn’t stay 18 forever. Life demands change. What he said saw as the solution, I saw as the main problem. Nonetheless, it was — as divorce goes — amicable.
Second time? Wrong guy, wrong reasons, totally mismatched couple both emotionally and intellectually. I should not have married him but was too proud to admit I’d made a mistake. It was obvious to EVERYONE but me. He did a lot of bad stuff, but ultimately, I didn’t have to marry him. That was my choice.One should listen when ALL your friends and family are singing the same song. New friends, old friends, AND family.
Garry and I are now heading into 33 married years. It’s not that we don’t squabble. All married couple have disagreements. It’s how you settle them that makes the difference. Garry and I are both alpha and stubborn but in the end, we are also very much alike. We understand why we are the way we are which is also why we are able to work things out. Being equals and KNOWING it, was the key. We have different religions and are different races, but mentally and emotionally, we are made of the same stuff.
If it doesn’t work, let it go before it gets worse. Unless you can find a way to a middle ground and trust, it will get worse.
“One should listen when ALL your friends and family are singing the same song.”
I feel that. In my example, everyone was telling me “Isn’t this a bit fast?”.
“Being equals and KNOWING it, was the key.”
It took me 6 months to realize that it’s not the case. Could have just been a honey moon phase that blinded me. But in reality it was also the idealization phase and the constant love bombing of her that made me think I just found my soulmate. The following months have been outright abuse of her. We never have been equal.
“If it doesn’t work, let it go before it gets worse. Unless you can find a way to a middle ground and trust, it will get worse.”
Some people told me, but I thought I’d be smarter. At a later point nobody told me, but that was because my wife managed it to isloate me from friends and family, wich was part of her borderline personality disorder. Her constant intermittent reinforcement (I hate you, but don’t leave me) made me high, did trauma bond me… created co-dependency.
I should have listened to everyone. We might be broken up now, but now I get a daughter with a high conflict person. Life won’t be easy anymore.
You can’t build a relationship based on a child. I know people try it, but it NEVER works, not for child or parents. I know about bad choices and I’ve made plenty of them. Figure out what you need to do to make your life better. If you need counseling, it can really help if you find the right person with whom to work.
Borderline disorder is a difficult person to live with. For anyone, but you know that. So next? What do YOU need? Be realistic and make sensible choices because you will be living with them a long time.
There have been weeks I would have gone back to her just because we get a baby together. But at the moment I am not sure anymore. The more weeks go by, I just feel that trust can not be build up again. She dismantled the entire relationship. There are moments I still feel codependency, but the fog is also lifting. I have mixed feelings, I guess I start to heal from all of that. But I am still traumatized. It’s indeed very difficult to live with a borderline personality