This will be a very lengthy post. It’s going to show the beginning of the relationship between my wife and me. At least how we got officially together, and how intimacy started between us. The emotional connection however started 6 months earlier and that time has been as crazy. But the part I am posting is interesting because it shows the borderline approach avoidance conflict very well. And it also shows how this toxic dance started an idealization phase (love bombing stage) in my case.

It was later followed by a devaluation phase (the hate stage) but I don’t show the transition to that in my post, I will make individual posts about the devaluation phase. This post here will only show the approach avoidance dance we had when we came together (call it push and pull, hot and cold, or approach avoidance conflict). And it shows the transition of the dance to the start of a very symbiotic love relationship for many months. Let’s start somewhere in our chat history, with the approach avoidance dance…

She:

When you visit me later, I’d like to have my blanket for us in the living room. I think that would be cozy when we watch TV. If you like, we can cuddle but today I don’t want more than that. Is that okay?

Me:

We do so. It’s all good. I am still eating, and then I am getting ready for later.

Some time later in the evening…

She:

You can come by, I am ready.

Me:

Okay, I am on my way.

She:

Waiting for you.

She:

Good morning Dennis. I hope you slept well. I liked the evening with you a lot. Unfamiliar but good. I had headache, I really didn’t feel well. I am going to the doctor on Monday, this means we can not drink a coffee.

Even if it was beautiful evening, I just noticed again that I don’t get feelings for you and I think it won’t change if we meet each other more often. I just don’t feel sparks. I don’t know how to explain. If I would have felt something, I would have kissed you. It makes no sense to meet each other again. I also do no longer want to waste your time with my back and forth.

If you want to delete me everywhere, then I do understand it. But I won’t delete you anywhere. I just know that we both will never have a relationship together. I enjoyed the cuddling with you a lot, and when you touched and massaged me I got really horny.

But at the moment I just don’t want a relationship. I am sorry for all the back and forth. I no longer want to waste your time, I don’t want to hurt you either. This is why I think we should no longer meet each other. I am very sorry.

I didn’t send her a reply because previously she had already been hot and cold with me. I basically was already tired to reply. Also, her mixed signals confused me a lot. The evening she mentioned was beautiful, and to me it looked like she enjoyed it. I didn’t even try to kiss her, we cuddled and have been affectionate, we caressed and massaged each other. It was exactly my tempo, just dating slowly. So, 3 hours later she wrote me again with more mixed signals…

She:

I am just torn. I don’t think that will change. I just wanted to kiss you yesterday. And honestly, I wanted to sleep with you and would have started it if I wouldn’t have had headaches. But I had an inner blockade.

Me:

Honestly? I don’t care if we didn’t sleep with each other. I am fine if we take our time. I enjoyed the cuddling as well. I would have slept with you too but I am not the type of guy who is pressuring into that direction right away.

I like it more if things just develop and also want you to know that I am not just interested because of that, but also because I enjoyed to talk with you all the weeks and want to get to know more. I like you as a person, and honestly, somehow you already made me curious. When I went home at night, I expected you to back out with a chat message due to the previous back and forth chats we had.

I am not sure what you want now, but if you no longer want contact, that’s okay, then I go my way again.

She:

I am very sorry. I wish I could tell you something different. I am so sorry.

Me:

It’s easy as that. You tell me you don’t want to meet me again, so we won’t. Don’t feel sorry for that. As I said, I did enjoy the time with you a lot, and to me it felt like you did too. You already told me about some of your issues. Maybe you’re not ready and that’s okay. I am not mad.

She:

Torn between closeness and distance.

Me:

I know. I don’t take it personally. I would try to support you. But if you think there is no way, it is okay.

She sends me a picture, blood running down her foot.

She:

And now I did hurt myself.

Me:

How did you do that?

She:

With a razor by accident.

Me:

By accident? Really?

She:

Yes, sorry, really, by accident when shaving my legs.

Me:

Okay, I am sorry I thought something else. I’ve just been worried because you told me weeks ago that a therapist suspected borderline tendencies. I am really sorry I thought in this direction.

She:

Dennis? I really haven’t cut myself, don’t worry, it’s okay that you’re worried. But you know what? I have other problems I’d like to talk about with you if that is okay for you.

Me:

Again, sorry that I thought that.

She:

Can we see each other again this evening please? I need a hug.

Me:

Yeah, we can do that.

She:

I make myself ready and tell you when you can stop by, is that okay?

Me:

Okay.

She:

I am ready, waiting for you. Can you please just hug me right away when you’re here? I want to have your arms around me.

We talked a lot that evening and she told me more about her issues and I thought I got a little more understanding about her. At the same time I felt so attracted to her. At some point we were standing on her balcony and started to kiss each other. She asked me what the kisses mean for me, if we’re together. We agreed that we are. I went home around midnight and got a message when I arrived…

She:

I wish you a good night. I will now go to sleep and shut down my phone. Kisses!

The next day we arranged something for the evening again and otherwise had a lot of small talk. We also kept chatting about us…

She:

Did we came together before or after midnight? What is our official date?

Me:

I looked at my phone after we went from inside again from the balcony. It was almost midnight. So, we came together yesterday, not today.

She:

I am going shopping soon, if you want to eat or drink anything special, I will get it for us.

Me:

I’d like to drink a Coke, if you can get one for the evening, that would be cool but I am flexible with food.

She:

Okay, I will get something for us. Kisses.

Me:

Cool! Kisses!

She:

I am not sure what happened with me yesterday or what you did do to me yesterday. I just want you to know that I was barely able to sleep. I felt butterflies in my stomach until I fell asleep. I can’t await to see you again. Kisses.

Me:

That’s nice and I felt the same when I walked home. Just reading your message, I am getting happy and can’t await to see you either. See you later, kisses.

I visited her again in the evening and this time we got intimate. I walked home at midnight again. On my way home I wrote…

Me:

I just saw a red fox crossing the street in front of me. The red fox was very fast, I just have a bad photo.

She:

You know I love red foxes.

But there is something that burdens me again. I guess you already can imagine what I mean. I am having again these bad feelings. Out of a sudden, all my euphoria just disappeared. I’d just like to give up again. It has nothing to do with you. I just get some kind of oppressive feelings, that I should rather take care about myself. I also want to think about what I really want. Please, we should ‘t write again, nor should we meet each other again. Full no contact. I go crazy. It was so beautiful what happened here, but I can’t imagine that we continue. Please delete me everywhere and let us keep this as beautiful memories. As it is right now, we both won’t be lucky, Dennis.

Me:

I am sorry if I say this, but honestly, all the stress with the push and pull is killing me already too. I am no longer relaxed. You’re such a beautiful woman, and being close to you, sharing thoughts with you, it makes me crave for more. I enjoy to spend time with you but the back and forth is just not healthy. Okay, let’s do it, delete me then.

She:

Okay. I gonna do that. I wish you luck and I know you will find the right person for you.

Me:

What do you mean?

She:

I am just saying that I am not a good person for you.

Me:

I can’t help it, but I like you. You’re not a bad person, but yes, the back and forth is difficult.

She:

I can’t do this any longer either. I know for sure this is neither good for you or me. I’ve made my decision. I am so sorry for all of that but neither of us will be lucky. All the best! I wish you all the best in your life!

Me:

Okay.

She:

I am just saying the euphoric feelings are breaking me. The ups and downs are killing me. I could just give myself slaps in the face. Someone else isn’t giving me slaps in the face.

Me:

I would be there for you. I like you. But I can not force you. I am not sure what to say. Well, as said, I can not force you. I accept your decision.

She:

I am sorry. Please don’t write me again.

Me:

I don’t want to disrespect your wish. I was just under the impression that you kept writing too. I am not sure what’s going on. I don’t think you should devalue yourself and say you’re not the right one. The only thing I want you to know is that I enjoyed the time with you. I would be there for you. I realize I am really disrespecting your wish right now and it makes me feel bad. I just wanna say, I’d be there for you. Otherwise, I wish you all the best too.

She:

I hate myself. I hate myself that I do this to you. I just hate myself!!!

Me:

I don’t hate you. It’s very late, we both need sleep. If you need me, I am there. Write me tomorrow. Just an offer.

She:

I won’t write you again.

Me:

Okay then.

The next morning I got a phone call very early and she was crying. She begged me to visit her that early. She wanted to talk with me and drink a coffee with her. She wanted to know if I am still there for her. She asked if we’re still together. Told me more about what is going on inside her.

We both agreed we are still together. We made plans for the evening again but I honestly told her that I am really not relaxed anymore due to what happened. In fact, now I had very mixed feelings, on one side I was craving her already a lot, and on the other side I knew that it wouldn’t be healthy for me.

We talked about her issues, also about my history. We trusted each other, and she talked about symptoms that I knew from my past, like anxiety stress and so. I went away after the coffee. We chatted during the day…

She:

I am afraid, if I see you this evening, I go for you right away.

Me:

I am honest with you. I am just afraid of more push and pull. Also, first of all I need a good afternoon nap at home before I visit you. We barely had sleep, huh?

She:

Yes, I know, I really don’t want to treat you like that. Yes, I will take a nap too. Not that we meet each other and fall asleep. I just want to lay in your arms today. I would also like to add our relationship status on all social media channels.

Me:

I would add this information too but I don’t feel security yet You told me about your fears, and I said you can trust me. But at the moment I hope I can start trusting you too. I feel like doing wrong.

She:

You don’t do anything wrong. You showing me that you are here for me, I can not let you go or? Isn’t it security if we make it public for everyone to see?

Me:

Sorry, no. I would feel more secure if I see that you really want to stay with me. I’ve listened to you, but I think there is more. Maybe you can keep communicating with me what is going on internally. I am going to be open with you too. I am honest, at the moment I feel anxious, but I want to stay with you.

She:

Okay. Would you still like to visit me in the evening or do you need some space?

Me:

I am messed up, if I am able to take an afternoon nap, then yes. But as I said, I am not relaxed. I feel very stressed. I would prefer it if we don’t sleep with each other today. I hope you don’t get that wrong, but my libido is very likely at zero.

She:

It is already fine if we just spend time with each or? We don’t have to sleep with each other. Please, can you give me a chance to show you that I am not doing anything impulsive again?

Me:

Yes, I’d like that. I’d like to spend time with you again. I am just saying that I want to feel safe, as you want too.

She:

Okay, can you contact me in the evening and tell me when you’re ready to stop by?

Me:

Okay.

That day we kept having small talk via chat until we took our afternoon naps. I visited her in the evening again and somehow, we didn’t stick with the plan to just spend time and cuddle. She wanted more and as I expected (because I truly felt high anxiety levels in my body) my libido was at zero. The entire back and forth took a tool on my libido now. My mind even wandered away from her body, I simply couldn’t do it with her. I was so distracted on the stress I felt inside me. She looked sincerely when she told me that it’s not a problem. I finished it on a different way but still felt bad. We kept cuddling afterwards. I went home again at midnight and got a message…

She:

It feels the same way again. I mean, I feel conflicted again. And honestly, it has absolutely nothing to do with what happened in bed. Please believe me. It’s just like before, I feel so torn.

Me:

I don’t feel very comfortable. My libido is completely killed, I felt so weak even after you told me it’s fine.

She:

As said, it’s really not about that. It’s just that everything feels too much. Was it too early to make our relationship public?

Me:

Not for me, but I don’t feel the same way as you…

She:

I will remove the relationship information from social media again.

Me:

We’ve already spend some beautiful evenings together. Now that. Did you enjoy the evenings?

She:

Yes. But I am unable to cope.

Me:

You said you would just go sleep if you get that feeling again. Did you remove the relationship status?

She:

Yes, for now. Maybe it was just too early to make it public. Dennis, give us up, that’s the best for both of us.

It was already 3 pm and I remember that I was so exhausted of the push and pull game that I just wanted to fall asleep. Also she made me feel like I am chasing her. She pulled me as often back in as I pulled her back in. This was a dance of two, and not just one. So, gave up, no longer replied and fell asleep. Next morning I look at my phone and find this…

She:

I am not sure what I should do. You said you feel anxious with me. Dennis, I don’t want to hurt you. I just feel anxious with you too. I am so attracted to you, it scares me, it gives me fears that I gonna get hurt again. You take away that fear when you are here, but as soon as you go away, I feel so anxious.

Me:

If you want, you can call me. Maybe it’s better to speak on the phone.

So we had a two hour long phone call if I remember correctly. We talked about the things she feels when I go away. I didn’t have the terms for it at that times, but today I know it’s fear of abandonment, fear of being alone.

But honestly, she probably had it all, fear of intimacy and fear of engulfment too. Today I know she is very likely borderline. Borderlines do experience a repetition compulsion of approach/avoidance. She had it very strong at the beginning. The entire chat history you have read was taking placer over 5 days. So much approach and avoidance and mixed signals in such a short time.

Anyway, after the phone call she really started to feel secure. I told her a lot that she can trust me and reassured her generally. What followed was an idealization phase. She absolutely bombed me with love from then on. The push and pull definitely ended there, at least for a very long time. And my libido improved like 100x. We made it like bunnies from now on (laugh). Never had it that intense with someone. It’s very passionate with a person with borderline.

I will keep showing you a little bit of the chat history to get an impression how fast things developed now (typical borderline). I just got her keys for her apartment in no time for example. We’re still at the same day of the phone call…

She:

It’s more than just liking you!

Me:

I have no clue either what you have done with me.

She:

I know we just spoke on the phone. But I am missing you so much.

Me:

I can’t await to see you again either.

She:

Please tell when you have time again to visit me. I just want to see you.

Me:

Either on the weekend or today in the evening?

She:

Today please. Tell me when you have time. My heart is beating like 1000x faster. I feel like someone injected adrenaline into my veins.

Me:

Okay, then today. I can’t await to see you.

She:

Why is my heart beating like that when I think of you?

Me:

I feel the same.

We met each other and had a wonderful evening. At my way back home I wondered if I would get a message. And I got one, the sound alone gave me a panic attack. I was already conditioned to the sound and that a bad news would fly in form of a message… But this time it was different…

She:

Beautiful fog outside. I wish you a wonderful night honey. Sleep and dream well. Kisses.

Me:

Just went over a bridge, was only able to see the bridge, otherwise just fog surrounding me. Gorgeous! Good night honey, sleep well. Kisses.

Next morning…

She:

Good morning my dear honey, thank you that you brought my favorite chocolate with you. This was so sweet. Later during the day I would like to go for a walk with you and my son. We mostly met in the evenings so that my son doesn’t see us. I don’t want that anymore. I would like to slowly show him who you are, so that I can tell him soon that we are together. I also want you to lose any remaining fears… I feel so good with you, I want to stay with you.

Me:

Good morning honey, Sure, we can do that later the day. I loved the evening and I am glad you liked my small present. See you later with your son. How are we doing it? I just give you a hug in front of him, like you said yesterday?

She:

Yes, that is okay.

We went for a long walk. Visited playgrounds in the parks. I played a lot with her son. He immediately seemed to like me. Later in the evening I visited my mother and got an audio message, the son speaking into his mother’s phone “Dennis, can I show you all my cars in my room?”.

That was cute. That day she also said that she sooner or later wants me to stay over night. But first I slept at home again. But next day before we met, she asked me if it would be okay if she gives me a hello kiss in front of her son before we go outside for a walk again. So, we went step by step. But that she was speeding up now, became visible the next days. She wrote me again…

She:

If we see each other again today, I want to tell you something. Please don’t be afraid, it’s nothing bad. It’s rather something beautiful.

So I went over there, and it took a while until she came out with it. But she basically told me that she loves me. That she could imagine to do anything with me. She that even after I showed her some medical records, I stuck with her this and other things make her as safe as nobody else ever did. Also that her son is now constantly asking her, and that she likes it how I get along with him.

I told her that “I love you” are strong words. I told her that I’ve been there. I explained her that these words are easily used, but to me these words are not connected to a feeling of just being in love, that is is to me a conscious thought to trust, support and share a life with someone even if the highs of the honey moon phase end. I said that these words mean to me “I am committed to you”.

I asked her if she sees it the same? She basically told me that she doesn’t just feel in love. She repeated, I can imagine anything with you. I want to stay with you and share all my life experiences with you. She said it again “I love you”, we kissed and it was so emotional, I told her the same “I love you”. I slept at her apartment but went home the next day. We wrote each other again…

She:

You just making me happy. It was so beautiful to fall asleep in your arms. I don’t want to be without you anymore. I love you.

Me:

I felt the same. I am so happy. I love you.

She:

We don’t have to wait for a child-free weekend, when my son is visiting my mother. You can sleep here at anytime. I mean, if you like?

Me:

I do like that. But I still need to go home at times because I have a cat and need to feed her. I also don’t want that the cat goes mad if she is always alone. But sure, I can feed her late and sleep at your home.

She:

I do understand that. I do not want to overwhelm you nor do I want to be clingy. But honestly? I just feel it so strongly, I just wanted to write it to you.

Me:

Don’t worry. By the way, you are right, you’re really showing that you’re serious this time. I feel so good and no longer anxious. By the way, I got strawberries for us, we can eat them later.

She:

Yes!!! Strawberries!!! I just thought about something but I do not know if this is too early for you or if you will think that is strange. But I will listen to my heart and to my stomach and will do it anyway.

What I am saying is, that I would like to give you something this evening and I am curious if you will accept that.

Me:

Okay. Making me curious again, huh?

In the evening she basically gave me her apartment keys (second keys). Basically nine days after we got together (although, we started chatting months before, and knew us face-to-face even longer). Maybe that’s what all the testing was about? She seemed to trust me a lot now. But today I know it’s typical borderline. They go all-in at incredible speeds, and they soak you in. I mean, who doesn’t want to feel trusted and loved like that? Think that was not all?

Earlier, when we talked about the “I love you” or commitment. I thought we were talking theoretically into the future when we said “Being together with someone for a longer time, would mean also to move together at some point” or other things. We agreed with many things. But I didn’t think she would bring such things up that quickly. Or she got it entirely wrong. She now wrote me…

She:

You brought the topic of moving together up a few times. Just in case we both would make a kid and I become pregnant. Do you have any fears about that? I mean unrelated to getting pregnant or not?

Me:

I’d be open to talk about that but feel like we shouldn’t pressure each other. What I basically said was that if we would plan a baby at some point, and we both said we could imagine that at some point, I’d of course want to be a family, and not being an external person. Even without a baby together I could imagine it. I would have a few questions yes… what is with my cat, of course I won’t give my cat away. There are other things, just stuff couples would speak about before doing such a big step. It must be thought out and when that time has come that we both want that, we’d need to speak about that face-to-face.

She:

Okay. It just got into my mind. Honestly, I am already thinking about it. That’s why I told you the other days that I can imagine everything with you. I don’t know what you have done. Sure, we would need to speak about a lot of things, but it wouldn’t be a topic I am afraid to speak about. I feel like I can speak about everything with you.

Should I go on? That was day 10 after being together officially. Not to mention that the beginning was a lot of approach/avoidance behavior. But that’s not the only borderline behavior, it’s also clearly visible when the idealization phase started, it was basically after the last avoidant behavior. From then on I was all good, and that for quite a few months. I did enjoy it a lot how she bombed me with love. It was like a fairy-tale. Unofficially I moved in quickly, officially much later, but then we married, and we got her pregnant. After the bumpy start, I thought I found the person that truly loved me. At some point, the hot and cold behavior at the beginning was long forgotten. I now only got showered with lots of love.

I didn’t know that after the initial idealization phase (6 months long, 6 month of love bombing), there would follow something that is called the devaluation phase, thus the next months I got devalued. Simply explained, as quick and as much you can be bombed with love, as quick and as strongly you will be hated. I say “will”, because it is inevitable.

It’s also called splitting. You’re either god for them, or the devil. It’s either white or black. Never something in between. If you’re painted white, she will do everything for you. If you’re black, she will hate the guts of you. She will despise you. Right, both is not good, because non-disordered people can see a gray too, something in the middle, that humans can have both flaws and good sides at the same time. The mind of a borderline doesn’t work like that. But that’s all stuff I learned afterwards.

If I would just keep going on with the chat history here, you would see miles and miles of declarations of love. Very lengthy ones. If I’d just go hang the washing up, or shopping, she’d send a lengthy declaration of love. It felt so good to be showered with love and it makes you addictive. But as said, it’s part of the splitting. At some point she started to split from white to black, coming up with the most absurd theories and stories how you could betray her, that you can not be trusted.

First once a month, later once a week, once every few days, then once per day and later several times a day. You see, the intervals get shorter until the final bang. That’s how the usual relationship goes with a borderline. And sometimes they even start that way as you have seen in my case. Because they can also split feelings… I want you, I don’t want you, I want you, I hate you, don’t leave me, I hate you, don’t leave me.

And ironically, when the big discard comes, when they despise you. When you think they’re done with you. You could be still in the same cycle. It might feel final, but they could attempt to hoover you back sooner or later. Doesn’t have to happen, but it often does. Because remember, when someone you respected and loved a lot (reciprocity), has the ability to lose memories of it and create new stories in their head, they can do the same backward too. Thus, you will never know if you’re still in a cycle, if they will attempt to recycle you. Maybe they will, maybe not. The borderline topic is complex and almost funny (I am kidding).

Only those who were riding the roller coaster know how intense such a relationship is. It’s both love and hate alternating. But equally intense is the resulting trauma bond, and co dependency. Honestly, I myself must sort my marbles. It’ll take a while.