Today I opened Instagram and noticed in the search bar that my wife must have unblocked me. I noticed it by coincidence as her name is still suggested in the search bar as I barely used the search. I just saw her profile picture beside her name again, and yep, I am unblocked.
Next, we ran a bit too often into her arms today. First it was my mother who saw her. My wife was talking with a neighbor who greeted my mother from the distance, and of course, my wife didn’t look at my mother at all. The last months my wife usually looked very unhappy, but she can put on her “happy mask” if she speaks with people in the park, if she goes outside at all.
My mother just told me “When I saw her, I noticed her exaggerated laughs and feigned happiness, while she spoke with a neighbor woman”. I knew what my mother meant, saw this a few times after our breakup. Now she usually looks depressed, but she can force a smile and so.
Later the day I went outside with my mother to go shopping. My wife came from the same store with her son and crossed our path, that must have been coincidence. We said “Hi” to her because both, my mother and I, dislike all the childish stuff. My wife however did neither look at us, nor did she greet back. But she looked like she absolutely despises us. Of course I am still split “black”.
My wife knows which path we have to take if we go back home after shopping. It was unlikely coincidence that she basically waited for us at a certain place. We felt just validated shortly after, when we walked home, and now noticed her directly in front of our window, playing with her son.
Unblocking on Instagram, following us around… If that is not hoovering, then I don’t know. Talking about Instagram, she probably needs my attention (supply) again. She won’t get it. The last time she unblocked me, it went like this…
She just unblocked me on Instagram by the end of February, and I fell for it. I thought she came to her senses and opened a line of communication as she will soon give birth to our baby. I thought I make the first step and start communication again. Honestly, I’ve mainly done that for the coming baby. Here is what I wrote…
“Hey, how are you and your son doing? You had me blocked, and I wished I would have been able to ask if everything is okay with our baby. Is everything okay? I want you to know that I am here and I do care. If you still don’t want to communicate, well, then okay. Anyway, I wish you all the best for the delivery in advance and hope everything will go well.”
I didn’t expect anything else. I saw it live how she blocked me just two minutes later again. She is so toxic, I cried because I am going to be father and I do care. It’s as toxic as in December when I asked her to photograph one of the more recent ultrasound images and when she replied “Are you serious? Why should I send you one?”.
So, now that I am unblocked again, I guess it’s just because she craves any kind of attention again, to block me yet again. Be it Instagram, WhatsApp or where ever, I can’t count anymore how often she played the childish block/unblock game.
At this point, I would just cut her off entirely from my life by blocking her everywhere too, if we both wouldn’t become parents of a baby. Now, I am just smarter than her. I do at least keep all lines of communication open, so that she can contact me. I am in contact with the youth welfare service and communicated that with them too.
Just imagine that, not much more than a month until she gives birth to our baby, and she is not coming to her senses and doesn’t understand that it’s no longer about us but a child. But this shows how bad personality disorders are. I expect that it will take some time until I will see my baby. Without communication, we most likely won’t be able to come to a visitation agreement. But I already talk about all that with the youth welfare service and counseling services.
I had a ton of questions too. Like what if I will see her in the park with my baby, can I look into the pram? What if she doesn’t allow me to take a look and just keeps walking? Well, I need to write all of it down. Basically everything.
The youth welfare service is very important and I gave them already like 30 pages of information’s and had several face to face appointments. It seems like they understand my problem. Given the fact that they have to be neutral, it was kinda interesting to see them suspect a personality disorder as well. But that doesn’t mean they will take a way the baby, that would be too easy.
Truth told, everyone is also preparing me that I will most likely need a lawyer soon. But I noticed some really interesting things during the talks with the clerks at the youth welfare service. We talked about the loyalty conflict of my wife’s son.
When he is outside with his grandma or my wife, her son is not allowed to greet me or my mother. It’s either that she comments it (we don’t hear what she says) if he looks at us, or she is touching him to look somewhere else. He looks very anxious and I thought for a long time that they manipulated him so that he is afraid of me.
Now a neighbor woman, who has a son as well, told us that her son saw him crying in school. They are both in the same school. So, he went to him and asked why he cries and he replied “I miss Dennis so much”. She told the youth welfare service as well, and there are indications that the school did too.
That’s maybe why the youth welfare office asked me if I could imagine to meet him once in a while even if I am not together anymore with his mother. I made two points there. The first one was “Absolutely, if he wants that, I would do it but in no way can I imagine that my wife would ever allow this”. My second point was “Honestly, if it would be possible, I would put a higher focus on my own child”. They understood. Anyway, we all think they know more than we do.
Talking about the ton of pages I have sent them, it’s about all the borderline symptoms and how they affected not just our relationship but also her son. With that in mind, I basically told them why I am concerned about my baby. If she often was overwhelmed with her son alone, I feel concerned that it will be better with two kids.
The youth welfare service can, and will most likely offer her family help. But she doesn’t have to agree to it. It probably will give her minus points, if she doesn’t, but she can not be forced. As you can see, it’s going to be a long battle for me, documenting everything, probably getting courts involved sooner or later.
By now, I just wish the baby would grow up with me, but that is unlikely to happen for now. My lawyer told me so, but I will now contact someone else. I even have witnesses now who offered their help no matter what, even if they have to make statements at court. So, I have good and bad news, I just need to let it all sink in what recently happened.
My next mission is to find a different lawyer. My recent one was too focused on possible child endangerment aspects. It’s not unimportant, but I didn’t understand that he just talked about that.
There are laws in Germany since 2017, that it’s no longer just about child endangerment but about the question which of the parents is able to give the child the best upbringing, seen from the perspective of the child. It’s about right of residence and where the child will get the best upbringing. A lot would be going on then, like family assessment and more.
Now I need advice from a different lawyer and I want to have an opinion about my chances. Because if there is just a tiny chance, I am going to fight. If not, it will probably be a waiting game until my wife makes mistakes over mistakes. I am just afraid of that, because then there can already be an impact on the psychological development of my child.
15 thoughts on “Hoovering Again and Other News”
Hi Dennis. I think you are right to look for a different lawyer who will explore the possibility of you getting custody of your baby. I know you will be a great dad because you are so good with your cousin’s child and it must be so hard for you not knowing when you will even be able to see the baby. I’ll be thinking about you.
It’s just bad that I still haven’t found a new apartment. Her lawyer or court could argue that I don’t have my own home, but my wife has. This is a position she put me in. On the other side, these cases will probably take somet time, so, by that time I might have found an apartment. It’s scary how difficult it is to find a new place.
I am also scared too because, if I go the step too early, they could argue it’s still a baby. I’ve heart courts barely give custody to the father if it’s a baby (too little) unless there is severe beating and stuff.
But if I come too late, there is the continuity principle. They won’t give custody to a father if the child lived at the place for a while, especially with siblings, in her case, her son.
So, I don’t know what to do. The damage will be there, it’s just that it’s mainly psychological… and a lot is difficult to prove. I am just glad that two of her mothers neighbors contacted me for support, no matter what…
They have been best friends of both of them for years (until recently, they got into drama with them as well) and can confirm that her mother brought my wife’s son mostly up, that my wife always had issues and has been overchallanged with the upbringing. And they can confirm how good her son talked about me (which would also disprove a lot of the lies of my wife). Such information’s can be used related to custody of my baby at some point because they really know a lot and offer themselves as witnesses.
They’ve had a lot of contact with them and can back up a lot of what I said. Next week they both will contact youth welfare office to get appointments for detailed talks.
I think the only thing I can do now is to get advice from a different lawyer, while I stay in contact with all services if I have questions.
I already fear the day when she is outside with the baby and I am not allowed to look into the pram. This would hurt so much. But I guess this will be a very likely scenario.
I can see the problem. It would be very unusual for the mother to lose custody of a newborn, especially if she were breast feeding. You would have to prove you had the support to care for a baby too. Having your own place would help. It is only by getting access to the baby that you can see whether harm is being caused but I am guessing that you may have to start out with a lot less access than you would like because clearly Lisa is not likely to offer to share parenting 50/50.
She is afraid to breastfeed. And I am pretty sure she won’t. But I am not sure how such an argument would work at court (laugh)… I mean, how can I prove. And these are things my lawyer told me… I am at a loss as many things are difficult to prove. As psychological damage as an example. But then again, I am not sure why we didn’t talk about the ability to raise a child, which is a change since 2017.
Youth welfare office suggested me to talk with Lisa about 50/50… I thought they’re kidding me… stopped by to tell them that she is completely ignoring me as a father… and will most likely do so when the baby is there, and they suggest me to offer her 50/50 xD
But her point then was, that this could be something I could fight for too as it would releave my wife but they also said it won’t work with a baby.
So yeah, I have no clue. I am sad, the longer the child is there, the less likely I will get custody due to continuity principle. Some friends already suggest me to give up entirely on the child. I don’t blame them.
I can understand why some friends would say that when it seems so hopeless but I can also see why you can’t do that. One day that child will want to know who you are and whether you cared about them.
These issues really put me in a position that I don’t know what to do other than staying in contact with those counceling services and youth welfare office. But at the time it feels like losing time and just talking. 😦
I know, but that seems to be all you can do for now.
I have not seen your posts lately and I’m sorry to hear about your relationship problems. When I separated from my ex-wife, we didn’t like each other for a while but now we see each other occasionally and get along well. We both remarried and I am happy with my current wife but I get the feeling that she regrets what she did to split us up.
Yeah. I wouldn’t wonder if my wife already regrets it now but doesn’t know how to fix it or can not backpedal. She acts and acted so impulsive that a lot of damage is already done. And her narc mother controls her so well and pushed her into direction, even with threats. For example that her son will never visit his grandma again, if my wife comes together with me again (I am not the first ex where she did that, she wants full control of her daughter).
As unhappy as my wife looks like now… she probably has it all. Shame, regret, not knowing how to fix it… the mother daugter conflict… and then borderline… inability to see her fault, barely any empathy… splitting other black (despise us without reason) to sustain the false self-perception of being victim. She put so much energy into that, for example projecting her faults onto me and so on.
Ironically, that is now helping me a little bit to get over it. I have informed myself a lot about her disorder. They take the issues with them, they don’t solve them like we do. And she repeat the cycles… first it was the evil ex before me (I don’t believe her anymore that he was as bad as she told me), now I am on that list too… an evil person in her view. Still I feel sad for her, because I really loved her…
it’s just that I realized you can not heal a person with a personality disorder, with love. I believed I would be able to, but it just doesn’t work. Their issues stem from childhood, it’s repetition compulsion and trauma reenactment. I’ve been very good to her and her son, but even a saint would not be able to keep this relationship with a borderline working due to them “splitting” (when the devaluing of you starts, and they repeat their cycles).
The only issue is, as unbelievable it is for everyone around here, that she does now hate me, as unbelievable it could be if she wants to come back (which is not uncommon with borderlines).. they split the world in black and white and there is no grey…. they either hate you or ideolize you. Thus, it could actually happen. It’s a scary disorder.
I hope I’d be strong enough to say “Nope” in that case. Now I am more concerned about the coming baby.
You are in a tough situation with a baby. I hope it works out well for you. I would treat her like a casual friend. Nice but not too nice.
Yep. Hehe, but at the moment I can’t even treat her like a friend. At the moment she absolutely despises me. Borderline is no joke, when they split you black… they truly hate you then. Completely underestimated her disorder. If I meet her per coincidence, she looked at me maybe for a second but as if she would like to kill me. It’s very likely that I need a lawyer for visitation days as soon as the baby is there. Right now, I am pretty sure that she won’t contact me to make it possible that I can see the baby. It’s sad… I very likely have to fight for it at court.
I do not suffer much from the breakup anymore. I suffer that this disorder can make a person change in a way, that no matter what you have done for the person, how much you showed her love, her brain can not see it anymore and decides you’re a devil. So, you’ve done everything, but she runs around and believes you’re the worst person on this planet. And I shouldn’t even even blame her for it, because itt’s some kind of protective mode.. it’s trauma reenactment from childhood and repetitive compulsion. The stronger the devaluation, the more important you have been to her. It’s ironic. The better you are, the more you get punished… love is dangerious for a person with borderline.
It hurts me nonetheless. I probably got C-PTSD from that relationship and the aftershock of it. If it’s going to happen like it is often mentioned with borderline, that they can leave devaluation phase after months and come back to you as if nothing happened and go right back at idealizing you, I will most likely lose my marbles (laugh). But as strange as it is right now, that she hates me, it would be as strange if she comees back as if nothing happened. But if she does… I will definitely listen to what you and many people told me… treat her like a friend… yep, logic tells me, this person is not good for me and won’t ever change unless she skips her current therapy and goes directly into DBT therarpy for borderline.
That is too bad that she is like that. I hope she will not be a bad mother. I have heard stories so many times about bad parents and 90 percent are about mothers. I once had dinner with my wife and three other people. I was the only person there that had a good mother.
She was partly a good mother for her son during the time we’ve been together. But just partly… he was also often on the receiving end of her mood swings, and then I took him out to play soccer, to get him out of the line of fire. She was also overchallenged with a lot of things.
So, I am very concerned and already talk with counceling what I can do. I am also connected with youth welfare service and so on. I’d like to get custody of my baby, but it won’t be easy as psychological stuff can not be proven well, also not how the baby would be affected. My lawyer said that, but I am currently looking for a different one to get another opinion.
If she was already overchallenged with just one kid, how will it go with two. That’s why I am very concerned, and now I can not help her anymore as she discarded me. But her narc mother will most likely do, but that is not good for our baby either.
I hope it works out well for you. Try to always stay calm when talking to her or her mother, even though that may be difficult. Also, if she breastfeeds the baby, that is very healthy and one benefit of having her around.
She is afraid of breastfeeding. When we were still together, she told me she wouldn’t breastfeed. Couldn’t understand her arguments, but respected her decision.
I always stay calm when I see her. I even greet her but she doesn’t. The last days I just noticed again how this affects me mentally… things just don’t feel real anymore. Tried my best, and supported her and her son where I could… and even if I know her hatret is not about me, it’s caused by a disorder… it still feels strange. So surreal.