Absurdities With my Borderline Wife: Word Salad and her Narcissistic Mother Again

I’ve just met my wife today in the park per coincidence. As always, I said “Hi” and that’s it. The last times I saw her, she didn’t greet back and just looked at me full of hatred. Today she had her phone in her hand and immediately put it in her pocket without even saying the person on the phone “I call you back” or something, but instantly attacked me verbally like “Why do you even greet me after all you have done?”. It appears like she is still splitting me black.

Anyway, I replied “Well, I still have no clue what you are talking about, but one thing is sure, we both get a child together soon and I greet you because we have to communicate and work together anyway” and continued like “By greeting you, I try to be respectful and I want to make it as easy as possible for us to start co-parenting soon, because it’s kinda awkward if we can’t do that”. I asked her how she imagines it, how she wants things to continue. It looked like she agreed for a second.

But then her barrage of word salad started. It was everything again. I did put her spokes in the wheel when it comes to bureaucracy. I don’t go into detail here, but she basically understood a lot of things wrong in the past. And if I explained things, she called me a senior teacher or she perceived it as an argument.

Thus, my last strategy was to not get into an argument with her at all by just telling her “Call XY to get the information you need”. This was in January, and see, no matter what I do, it’s wrong. She still didn’t understand the things she asked me about in January. I calmly explained her today but couldn’t even finish explaining to the half.

She interrupted me “No matter what, here is something else, I can’t grasp why you would tell everyone at court in January that you would want to leave the apartment because I have rental arrears, this has been a lie!”. I replied “Wait, what?” and she continued “And then you come here several times a week in the evening to get your stuff out of the basement, who takes that long? I would have done it in a day, and you just kept the basement keys for so long to be able to come here everyday”. Not enough, she said “And then you walk into the basement in the evening, like a stalker”.

Well, we’ve been at court at January 20. We agreed that I would give her the apartment keys later the day because I had them at my mother’s home. So, I did put them in the mailbox. At court we agreed however, that I could keep the staircase and basement keys until February 28 and I even claimed that I would need some time to pick all the stuff up (I didn’t tell them why, but my wife isolated me from all my friends and I didn’t want to ask my friends for help now that my wife left me). It doesn’t even matter, I had a deadline and I used it to pick stuff up once in a while.

I mainly did that in the evening to NOT meet my wife. Strangely enough, one evening, after she saw me several times walking through the park to our basement, she walks down the staircase in a pyjama at around 10pm (I’ve never seen her doing that, especially not with her son), to meet me in the basement, looking at me as if she wants to kill me. Who is stalking whom?

And wait, what? I told the court that she would have rental arrears? It absolutely doesn’t make sense. I am in the rental contract and that would mean, we have arrears together. And we didn’t, so why should I say that? But I knew what she did put through the grinder. I told the lawyers and judge that we can make a shortcut. Instead of arguing, I did point out that I want to come to an agreement that I leave the apartment with a fair deadline, as I couldn’t keep up with her irrational accusations.

My wife talked mostly today, I have no clue how I did fit that into like 30 or 60 seconds she gave me to point that out. She kept going with her borderline word salad. She said “No, maybe you already demented?”. Ironic, if she just knew that amnesia, disturbed memory processes, inaccurate perceptions and tendencies to generate false memories about past events, are all borderline symptoms.

She continued with her word salad and told me how she saw me stalking her in January. She saw me near the parking spaces of her apartment block. No way! Really? Living at my mothers home, one apartment block away, because my wife threw me out, how could that be possible that I am nearby? I couldn’t even finish explaining, she continued “I called the police, they just saw you”.

I can even remember the day. I was talking with one of our neighbors. How can that be possible that I still speak with her/our neighbors? I even remember that the police came from the parking space and didn’t think about it. Why didn’t they talk with me? I bet it was for the same reason like with all the other times when police arrived and listened to her. An ex husband, living in the same street, talking with a neighbor near her apartment block. What a crime they must have thought. Otherwise the surely would have looked for me.

She came up with more examples. I only had the time to point out “Well, we live in the same street for now, I am no longer allowed to go outside or what?” and asked her “How often do I see you walking through the park or walking past my mother’s apartment block”.

The word salad continued. Stop greeting my son, he had psychosomatic symptoms because of you. Yeah, sure, she keeps telling that everyone. Meanwhile, he cries in the school and when a son of a neighbor woman asked him why he cries, he replied “I miss Dennis”. I must have been so bad. Not just that, he constantly looks at me when my wife is not there, but when she is there, he seems to be afraid to look at me. Of course, this is not a conflict of loyalty. With my own daughter, I expect a PAS syndrome in the future too.

Guess what, I didn’t have the time to reply to her bullshit. Her word salad continued. That one morning, when you told me “you’re my mentally ill girl”, that showed who you really are, she claimed. I don’t know how often I told her but I did repeat myself again today and told her that I said “It’s sick that you take my security with your constant breakup threats” and that we both want the same, feeling secure. I never ever called her “my mentally ill girl”. It’s stupid. She never stops claiming that.

It appeared like she believed me for a second this time but then claimed that I did portray her as mentally ill with text messages too. I’ve even done that in text messages I’ve send to her. Oh the framing “portraying”. It’s a wonder that she did let me reply to that too. I told her “Well, you’re in a therapy and you pointed out that your therapist no longer believes that it is just PTSD but that there are tendencies of borderline, thus we both talked about it a few times”.

I was able to continue and said “We’ve just talked about that, and I always told you no matter what it is, I am there for you”. She started to read about it during that time, and I’ve done it too. I was able to explain her again today that I informed myself to be able to support her. She interrupted me and said “It felt like you only perceive me as a mentally ill person now”.

I kept going and told her “Nope, you just stopped being open about it and I wondered what I can do if you feel bad, thus I started to inform myself based on what you told me” and “It’s not even my way of thinking, I just saw you struggling, and I wanted to be a good husband”. Strangely enough, this must have sunk in for a moment. She looked at me as if a wall broke. It appeared like it finally hit her, I never really wanted to offend her. Happy too soon.

She kept going that my mother is talking with everyone in the district, and that my mother is talking bad about her. That was kinda ironic, because if anyone did that in a very malicious way, then it was her narcissistic mother, triangulating at every corner of the district and gaslighting her own daughter that other people spread bad stories about us. If my mother did anything recently, then it was to answer back to people who heard all the bullshit stories her mother spread, if at all, defending herself.

My wife entirely forgot that she was victim of her own mother during the entire summer. Her mother talked really bad about her own daughter. This was one of the big reasons why their contact broke. So much about dementia. Guess what, I couldn’t even reply to these accusations about my mother, because she continued with her word salad. Now she told me “I know you purchased a notebook, how can I know this? Your mother told a neighbor and her son told mine!”. I didn’t tell her, but nope, said neighbor visited us the day I unboxed my notebook in the living room. She brought us child books. Her son is interested in computers and saw me unboxing. He probably forwared this to my wife’s son. I mean, who even cares? I couldn’t even reply to that nonsense.

Because now she claimed that I always wrote her too much. Like in the beginning, when I didn’t let her alone but insisted to be together with her. Oh yes, I remember. She did let me answer and I just said “Well, as far as I remember, you did play your push and pull game with me, and anyhow we both couldn’t let go and we just came together”. I continued and said “Then you wanted me to move in as soon as possible, we married and you got pregnant”. I just pointed out that we’re in Germany, it’s free will.

Now she just claimed that it was really bad of me that I still talked with her after she broke up with me and that I didn’t stop trying. I just replied “Look, you broke up on November 24 and even slept with me until December 5, while your lawyer already wrote a letter” and “Meanwhile you did send a ton of mixed signals even after that, like that the break up wouldn’t be easy for you either and that you married me for a reason and so on”… I told her “You and your son, the coming baby, I saw us as a little family and surely didn’t want to give up”.

I told her once again how important she was for me and that it wasn’t a joke to marry her. I told her that if they would have been so unimportant to me, as she often claimed in the end, I would have said “You know what? Go fuck you!” and would have stopped listening to her mixed signals right away. I told her that I didn’t do so, because I truly loved her but that I started to mention my boundaries about breakup threats, and to stay strong for us all, that I had to tell her that I don’t like certain toxic behavior and can not accept manipulation either.

I told her “I wanted to accept you as you are, as you asked me”. I told her today again that we both knew her approach-avoidance conflict and also about her fear of abandonment. Just days before the break up, she love bombed me like crazy, and of course, with the last breakup, I thought again that it would just be her “being afraid that I would break up with her”. I basically wanted to show her that I stick around if she stops the threats.

I told her today “You know when I no longer followed that idea? When your lawyer was threatening me in January with hints about stalking laws, when he mentioned I was stalking you in December, while you still slept with me”. I continued “That’s when I told myself, go fuck it… this is nuts”. Yet again, she had a moment… her walls appeared to go down. As if she realized again for a moment how stupid all the things she thought are.

Anyway, I also told her “Look, I no longer care. I don’t even want to continue to talk about the past because you just see me all negative anyway” and “I just have one wish, that we both can come to a point where we do at least be respectful with each other. That’s why I still greet you, I don’t want it to be awkward for us, because we surely have to cooperate as we become parents”. I told her that this is all I wish for.

And see that the whole discussion started with that? She just managed it to pull me into her circular arguments again, going from one topic to another, making me mostly listening to a barrage of word salad. You don’t believe me? She covered like 10 accusations within 10 minutes. Guess how much speaking time I had. Honestly, I mostly listened. At least it seemed like she realized now that we have to work together sooner or later. Her facial expression told me so. But what happened in that moment?

Her mother came into the picture with her bicycle. Still about 20 meters away, she screamed at her daughter “Be careful! Don’t be fooled! Don’t talk with him!”. As usual (like in November and December), my wife got anxious instantly, her entire posture and facial expression changed. She now looked very submissive. Her mother came closer and said “Remember, your lawyer doesn’t allow you to speak to him, he will wrap you around his finger!”. See the way how she talks with her daughter? Your lawyer doesn’t allow. We all know a lawyer is not a dictator, but this is her manipulative way of speaking. Also, telling her daughter what to do, she completely controls her.

And if this doesn’t work she can still make my wife anxious by telling her “I gonna tell the youth welfare service things about you” or “Your son will not visit me again if you both come together again”. These are things she told my wife in November and December.

Today? Her mother got closer and closer, my wife no longer talked with me. And now her mother tried to speak with me. I just ignored her. Like what the heck? Who does she think she is? She should have noticed it already in November that I don’t communicate with her. I gave her several narcissistic wounds by blocking her entirely or stop perceiving her if she was nearby.

We had to walk a few meters together. I repeated myself and only looked at my wife “No matter what happened, it’s time we start to think about our child. We don’t have to be friends, but we should co-parent with respect”.

I was able to finish the sentence but then her mother told me “Ah common, stop kidding us, the baby isn’t even there yet”, 16 days before the predicted time of birth (laugh). Man, her mother is such an abusive monster. If I want to understand how my wife developed her issues, I have to look no further. She grew up with a narcissistic mother who is emotionally abusive.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.