I just got hoovered again by my wife. The last time I talked to her face to face was when we crossed paths in the park on March 18, I wrote about that. I basically just greeted her that day and she just yet again started to complaining about things I’ve never said or done. I was able to calm her down until her mother came into the picture with her bicycle and started to scream “Be careful! Don’t be fooled! Don’t talk with him!” like a lunatic. Well, as said, I wrote about that already.
Anyway, I contacted my wife a day later on Instagram where she didn’t have me blocked. I just told her that she didn’t give me as much time to talk, as she used. It made it very difficult to reply to her accusations. I also told her on Instagram, that I feel completely devalued and wrongly understood since November. I told her that I’ve always meant it good with her and her son, that I’ve always been there for them and that it’s difficult for me that she can’t see it and being painted as the evil guy.
I further told her that I wish she would listen to me too. I think I just had a moment where I forgot again, that I ask much, considering that she’s borderline. Anyway, I at least ended the message with a statement like “No matter what happened, we should at least function for the coming baby and peacefully co-parent, that this is my only wish now”. The message got me instantly blocked on Instagram. Well, I am already used to the blocking, unblocking, blocking mess.
She unblocked me a day later but when I saw that, I didn’t plan to contact her again and haven’t done so the remaining March or this April. She also unblocked me on WhatsApp later by the end of March and knowing her, I knew what would happen next. It’s hoovering, and it usually goes like this:
She unblocks me on Instagram and I don’t write her. She then unblocks me on WhatsApp because she thinks I am more likely to notice that. She is then baffled why I don’t contact her there either and starts posting WhatsApp statuses that are aimed at no other person but me. If I don’t react to her status posts, she is upping the ante and becomes more provoking with her next status updates, attempting to get my attention. If she can’t even get a negative reaction from me, she usually blocks me again, to eventually unblock me again afterwards. At that stage, she usually contacts me on her own.
Yes, like in a manual, always the same steps. But there are some bonus pages, because at times she is getting more creative, like playing with her son directly in front of our windows, or strange coincidences like crossing her path at places where she knows it’s highly likely to meet me.
Anyway, she just contacted me days ago on WhatsApp again.
It was a long list of complaints again. She started her message this way “Dennis, it’s just sad that you act like the clueless guy related to the things you said”. It seemed like she was referring to our discussion in the park or my message on Instagram a day later. I had to look at the calendar and noticed that she basically must have sat there for 20 days until she couldn’t keep her self from contacting me. It’s ironic anyway that she started a discussion in the park or that she contacts me. She no longer wanted contact with me, and her lawyer threatened me with steps if I do, but yet she is always the one to contact me (Of course I document it, including screenshots).
In her recent message there was yet again a long list of old complaints about things I’ve never said or done. And new ridiculous ones. She complained in her message “When we talked in the park, you showed that you don’t listen and that you don’t care about my concerns. In the middle of our discussion, you start to talk about a squirrel, seriously? That shows that I can not talk with you!”
It’s mind-bending. I listened to her in the park. I was the only one who listened, because at the beginning she didn’t even give me time to reply and even if I was able to do so, I was barely able to finish telling her my view. I listened to a barrage of words and sentences, and only waited for gabs where I could reply. And then I saw a squirrel nearby, running to a tree. I smiled and said “Look, a squirrel”, yes. That doesn’t mean that I didn’t listen to her. She was projecting again, because she was the one who didn’t listen nor give me a lot of room to reply to her out of touch claims. Beside a ton of other old and new claims or accusations, she ended her message this way:
“My son and I imagined it quite different, we thought that things would work out! At some point, he perceived you as the dad he never had. He accepted you quickly, much faster than I would have thought. It’s a burden for him, and he is disappointed”
Disappointed about what? That his mother broke up with me out of the blue for no other reason than being impulsive and emotional unstable again? I had to screenshot that part of the message and backed up the entire chat history. Why? Because she told everyone that he is afraid of me and even went so far to tell her lawyer that her son has stomach aches, pukes and had other symptoms because of me. She made up a lot of stuff. Not just that, she constantly told me that I’ve never been good for her or her son.
I replied to her. I told her that I no longer will defend myself against her old claims (but it’s easier said than done). I told her that I am not heard, thus I see no point in it. I however replied to a few of new accusations including the one with the squirrel, because I hoped this would enlighten her. I said You think I didn’t listen to you when I noticed the squirrel, but I just thought it was beautiful and wanted you to notice it too. I still did listen to every word you said”.
I also mentioned in my message that she, in the end, claimed that she needs to protect her self and her son against me, and that I’ve never been good for them. I now pointed out “You just said it yourself, he saw me as the dad he never had, you see it… now just ask yourself why?” and “Because I’ve been just that, good to you and your son, and now you finally see it again”. Borderline splitting/paranoia/dissociation is really that bad, and what’s even worse, you can’t tell that person “Look, now you’re back to reality again, you’ve been out of touch with reality previously, and this is why we have the problems we have”. Of course, you can’t say it this way.
I now just wanted her to understand that I’ve seen us as a little family too and that’s why I fought for us in November and December when I attempted to convince her not to give up but stick together. I told her that we had many beautiful moments together and that it baffled me that she wanted to give up.
Now she was sending mixed signals again like she did sometimes in the past. She replied “You might think that, but I haven’t forgotten all those moments either” but complained that I was circumnavigating some other questions she had. I actually did, and I told her yet again that I no longer want to talk about things that make us spin in circles. Of course, that made her mad again and even when it was just texting, I immediately noticed how her mood changed. I said “Look, I no longer want to fight, it’s so pointless”.
She didn’t give up and said “I still didn’t forget that you called me a little sick psycho girl”. I then replied “Look, as said, we’re spinning in circles again” and told her to just remember how many break-up threats I got in November and that I know what I’ve said that morning… and it won’t change. I said “It sick that you’re constantly threatening me with break-ups” and that I can’t function for her or her son when I don’t feel secure anymore, and that it’s toxic.
She kept gaslighting me again, “Well, how can you stick together with a person that is insulting you like that? I lost all trust in you after that and it’s difficult to forgive you, I told you that”. She then added “It would just have been a matter of time and you would have insulted me again”. I then told her that she can repeat it again and again, it doesn’t make it more true. I told her that I’ve never had issues to own my mistakes in my life and thought “What about yourself?” but didn’t write it.
I wrote her that it’s like with her son and herself. First she claims that I’ve never been good for them, and now she gets to the conclusion again that her son accepted me and perceived me as a dad he never had. I accepted him too, and as I saw us three and the coming baby as family, it’s just natural that I wanted security and no threats in the relationship. She replied “Yes, but now it is how it is”. I couldn’t stop myself and replied “Yes, it is, you wanted me to move in, you saw that I didn’t just get along with you but also your son, you married me, we planned a baby… and out of a sudden you hate and discard me”.
She then claimed that she didn’t just discard me, and that it’s mainly my fault because I discussed with her. That’s true (about existential things). She had financial issues, and I taught her that you can only spend as much money as you have (laugh). I also made it possible that her son doesn’t only eat corn flakes day in and out, sitting alone at the table, without us. I did address these things, so that we actually cooked together, sat together, and made him discover food. If I wouldn’t have addressed these issues, we would have had an empty fridge and empty cabinets too. I literally introduced a system, but I haven’t done it without her. I always wanted to decide with her together.
I told her this and she just replied with a short “Yes”. I replied “Yes, I wanted to make things work for us all, and you hate me for it”. She then countered “You don’t always have to persuade me of hating you. Even if you would like it, I don’t hate you”. She then told me again that things are as they are, and that she just contacted me to share her thoughts about the things we talked about in the park, and that she wanted to reply to the things I wrote her on Instagram and that she didn’t want to talk about our relationship. Yeah, sure, like 20 days later, not wanting to talk about our relationship, sending me a 10 meter long message on WhatsApp, filled with a ton of things on a relationship level.
I just wrote her this. And then I added “I see, you just wanted to update me on your old and new accusations” and then I did send her another one “Look, I got used to it that I’m your lightning rod but I still wish you would think about some of your complaints and my view about them”. She then said that I shouldn’t act like the victim again. I told her that I don’t see myself as the victim, I actually see her son and our baby as victims, because we’re not able to get our stuff together, even if I offered it.
She then texted me that it’s burdensome for her too that we’re no longer together but it came differently. She added yet again “Now it is how it is” and didn’t forget a typical borderline self fulfilling prophecy when she added “It would never be as it was, too much happened for that and now everything broke”. I replied “If it’s burdensome for two, it would just be a decision to reconcile and grow together, but it’s easier to convince yourself that it never will work or be the same, thus it can not”.
She then asked me how I would imagine it to work. Still not done creating self fulfilling prophecies, she said “You move back in and it would work for 3 or 4 weeks and then we’d discuss again. The baby would be there and if I break up, you wouldn’t freely move out because of our baby. Then I need a lawyer again. How do you imagine it? You’re here again and everything is good? Then your cat, I don’t want any pets in my apartment again. She will attack me again, and then she will attack the baby too. I beautified the apartment for me and my son. I renovated, I have new furniture. The baby room is ready”.
Wow, so much things in one paragraph. She is still claiming we argued and discussed. What she really means is this “Hey, I don’t get my life together, this is why I constantly need my narcissistic mother, and I know you’re able to make things work for us… but I’d rather be dependent on my mother than you”. I freely moved out, I only waited for the court date to defend myself against her psychotic claims, including child endangerment claims. Other than that, I just needed a fair deadline to pick up my stuff. That’s why we went to court. She still sees me as the evil person that didn’t want to move out. At court I said that I want to get out as soon as possible but with a fair deadline, because the accusations are ridiculous and don’t stop. My cat didn’t attack her for 7 months, it only began when my wife became psychotic about me, and everything that was connected to me (including my family, my cat and what not). It’s likely that she started to hate my cat too (and possibly abused my cat but that alone is a long topic). The cat never attacked her son, and I would watch after my cat, and especially the baby. If there would just be a little sign, that my cat would attack my daughter, the cat would have to go. But it’s unlikely, my cat doesn’t even attack the 3 years old foster child of my mother.
Interesting is that I just helped my wife out of the financial mess she created, and now she beautified her entire apartment with new furniture and what not. She didn’t have cash, some things never change. She’s probably heavily in debt again. Shopping addiction is a borderline issue as well. Also, once a borderline devalues you, see how narcissistic they get, basically telling you nonchalant “After I got rid of you, I beautified everything, not just the room for the baby we planned”.
On the other side, you see the splitting live again. The ambivalence between seeing that everything was so good together, and the complete opposite. Rightfully noticing that I’ve been good for her and her son, that the breakup is burdensome… but living together as well. Come closer, go away. I hate you, don’t leave me. Borderline personality disorder is so sad. It really is. For the borderline person and for everyone else involved, be it myself, her son, or our coming baby and even pets and the broader family.
Before we started chatting, I mean when she restarted contact with me with the long WhatsApp text, she even claimed in the text that I shouldn’t have complained about breakup threats in the past. She says these have not been threats, she actually wanted to break up with me but I did never let her do so. In my reply, I asked her if she is serious about that. It’s not just that she in the end forced me to accept whatever decision she made, by threatening me with breakup if I demanded team work or making decisions together.
She also broke up with me to eventually make up with me 15 minutes later. That happened often in the end. As an example, one day when I said “Go for it, if you want to end it”, she started crying in the kitchen and said “I don’t want that, you just accepted it, it felt so real” and “Hun, I never want to feel that again, I never ever want that we break up again” (while she was the one that broke up with me. It would be funny if it wouldn’t be that sad).
Then, days before the final discard of her, she labeled two towel holders “Mommy and Daddy” and “Kids”. We cuddled, we decided for a baby name with candle light. We had our hands on her baby bump, and she showed me where to expect movements of the baby. We made photos where we both looked like the most lucky persons on earth. We watched animated movies with her son. We went to bed like always but developed a new liking, to also cuddle with out feet and knot them together before falling asleep… I could go on and on. But sure thing, it was me, I didn’t want to let her go. Of course, it was not her borderline disorder, loving me one day, and hating me the other.
It’s so sad. It’s truly sad. It’s even sadder that I actually know that it’s not her but the disorder, and yet I still argue with her. It’s sad that she won’t ever change her behavior unless she gets into proper treatment (not just the casual talking she does with her therapist, but actual DBT therapy or something like that). But as co-dependent or trauma bonded I have become, I probably need treatment too, I must admit.
By the way, I am blocked again. Everywhere. Our chat escalated like never before. I told her my boundaries. And I started speaking truth. They hate boundaries and criticism. She started to rage and insult me on WhatsApp like never before. It really escalated heavily. Maybe I make a separate post about it or not. Let’s see.
Ironically, she must unblock me anyway, because the baby will arrive soon. She is already over the calculated day. Here in Germany, it’s not allowed to exclude me. She must for example inform me about the things going on with our child and I have visiting rights. And the child has rights to see the father too. By the way, I have a new lawyer, I think it’s a good one. I hope that remains true but my first impression is very good. So, sooner or later, things will escalate further.
3 thoughts on “Absurdities With my Borderline Wife: Hoovering, Mixed Signals and a Squirrel”
Hi Dennis I wondered how you were getting on as I knew that the baby is due any time now. Maybe even by the time you read this. I want to say congratulations even though the circumstances are horrible. I find it very sad that you have to communicate, when you do communicate, via social media.
You don’t mention if you have found an apartment yet so I guess you are still looking. Please take care of yourself.
Baby still not here yet, my mother saw her today.
It’s also sad to communicate with her face to face. It’s so unreal. I wish she would be able to see how ridiculous the things she believes are. She almost did when we crossed our path in the park and talked… but well, as I wrote… her mother intervened when she came into the picture with her bike.
I haven’t found an apartment yet. Yes, I am still looking.