As I recently wrote in another post, my wife contacted me out of the blue again, I wrote about it. It was a back and forth with some mixed signals. She was partly admitting that she suffers from the breakup too and remembers the beautiful moments, but mostly she attempted to keep me in the circular conversations we have since months, with her old false accusations. And she got new things she was upset about.
A day later our conversation changes. I started to set boundaries again and also no longer stopped myself to criticize her behavior. The way how she wrote changed immediately. I then just told her that I am very well aware that I am nothing more than a lighting rod for her. I told her that I am just annoyed by the constant blame-shifting and gaslighting. You can give her examples and facts, but she just won’t see it. I should already know it, but as I often said, there is still some hope left that a light goes on if I attempt to show her how the dots are connected.
She just kept going with her usual bullshit. She claimed that I am a horrible person for accepting our apartment BEFORE the apartment assignment and that a true man would have left the apartment without saying a word. Maybe, but such a man would have broken up with her months before to eventually find a more stable woman.
I knew some of the issues she had, and accepted her with it, it’s just that I didn’t know that it would get so bad that she would neither understand her own lawyer, police officers or later what was said at court. Here are the facts. It was still our apartment, but my wife had mistaken her lawyer for a judge. If that’s how it would work, why would we still need courts? Of course, with such a woman, you have to wait for the court date. Of course you access the apartment with the help of the police.
They’re not burglars. They even explained that she must give me access 24/7 but yet she didn’t understand it. So, when I needed something, of course I called the police when my wife did lock me out. And her son didn’t get symptoms because of me, but because he has a disordered mother. I didn’t reply to the old stuff. I am just writing it down here. When she came up with the old “my son suffered because of you” stuff, I didn’t reply either and just thought “If you would know, what I know”.
It’s not that she just did contradict herself a day earlier, when she said that her son is disappointed with the breakup as well, as he perceived me as the dad he never had. It’s also that I know from a school friend that he cried in school, and when the friend asked, he told him that he misses me. It just baffles me that she is repeating the same things over and over again. Her son doesn’ look at me when the mother is around, but when she is not nearby, he constantly seeks eye contact.
I didn’t tell her this either because as said, you just can’t reach her anymore. She’s so dissociated from reality, it just makes no sense. I am also at a point where I wondered what I can lose. I know that she doesn’t like it but I brought the topic with her issues up anyway. I told her that I should stop to take things personality as not everything but a lot of her behavior is connected to her issues. I told her, no matter if she is doing some of the things consciously or subconsciously, it still hurts and that I feel abused and that she just can’t see that but maybe in the future.
I did then send another text where I told her that I value that she contacted me again. But that I agree with her that we just end up with never ending circular arguments, and I told her that it’s because I am the only one who attempted conflict resolution. I then told her that I am annoyed by the constant blame-shifting, the gaslighting and her other toxic manipulation methods plus her entitlement. I also told her that it’s better if we don’t communicate unless it’s about the coming baby. Yep, that triggered her fear of rejection, fear of loosing control, or fear of abandonment and made her rage via text. Even if it was just text, I was able to hear her anger. Here is how her attitude changed (I am going to comment what is going on):
“You’re off your rocker! You should seek help! Here is it again, your true face. That’s what I always mean.“
That’s basically her, projecting onto me, that her mask has fallen (my true face, is actually her true face). She repeats that constantly when she is mad. It’s projection. Also, now I am the person with a personality disorder.
“You become father, and you don’t get your life sorted. A true father would go work.”
Ironic. When she got pregnant, I visited the employment agency and was surprised how much they offered me, especially in areas that I like, including IT. I went home and told my wife that I want to do IT re-training for us. She looked like she was mad at me. It took until the next day until I got her to speak. She said “If you do the re-training, I will immediately break up with you”. I was baffled and when I asked why, she said “A class of 20 people, huh? Flirting with women and so? No, thanks”. That is borderline. Also, I love people who have been jobless themselves but complain.
“At the age of 41, you’re still living at your mom’s home. Drinking Coca Cola and using your Notebook in the evening.”
Interesting. I gave up my apartment for her, she couldn’t await it, wanted me to move in ASAP. Then wanted to throw me out a year later. Made it difficult for me to access the apartment because she thought her lawyer would be the judge. When I waited for the court date, I got anxious Whatsapp messages where she said “You would go so far that I lose the apartment” and I had to calm her down, that I will leave freely… glorious! Maybe I should have fought for the apartment.
Then the stalking accusations. Ironic that she accurately knows that I am at the notebook in the evening. These are my times. No, she is not stalking me from her mother’s window, with a direct view into our living room. Yes, I have my Coca Cola bottle on the window sill.
“My lovely Dennis, being at the computer in the evening. Did you relapse? Like in your old life? You’re computer addicted. Well, if you don’t have other things, to do, but remember, you become father!”.
This one is in particular interesting because it was a part of a smear campaign against me. It later turned out that her mother did spread this around. Well, we all know what the definitions of an addiction is, so I won’t comment much about it. But it’s definitely not photo editing or playing a game in the evening. I could do all those things before we came together. I wasn’t able anymore when she engulfed me. Once a week I was able to show her son a child-friendly game. He later told his grandma, who then claimed outside that I’d be addicted and put her grandson in front of a computer. Shows how much she is controlling her daughter again. My wife just using her same language. I remember that I become father, and it’s not unlikely that she will regret it that I do, because I am going to monitor the effects a disordered person will have on my child, and I will try to protect my child by law.
“We have enough free apartments around us, but sitting at home and petting your cat the entire day, playing PC games and drinking Coca Cola. You’re such a failure, a loser, and you will always be one”.
Yeah, sure. That dim light wants to discuss with me about the desolate housing market. 30-200 prospects per apartment, this is sure not a lottery. But the issue is more profound. If you’re not a bright light and keeping yourself informed is something only smart-asses do, you sure will never read the news to realize that there is a housing shortage, nor will you ever understand any of the circumstances. And speaking about my cat, I’ve been right, my wife is as possessive, that she wasn’t only jealous when I had contact with friends, my mother, my foster sister or literally anyone. When we still lived together, I saw her facial expression change in the last months when I was petting my cat 5 minutes before me and my wife started to watch Netflix. I was right, she was even jealous that I did spend a few minutes of time with my cat. Why else would you write like that? And the final question… what are you, if you married a loser? Man, would I have know how bad a borderline episode or dissociation can get, I would have skipped her.
“You’re a stalker, you’re opened Instagram to check on me, I’ve seen when you went online”.
I thought this was a joke. I did read this loud and my mother heard it. We started laughing. Just if you don’t know how it works, she must have opened my profile or to be more exact my chat and she must have monitored if I am online or when I’ve been online the last time. Truth told, I’ve done that once in a while too. Also to check if I am blocked or not, with her constant blocking and unblocking. Like a friend said “After a breakup, you stalk each other a little bit, to a certain healthy degree, it’s normal”. The kicker here is, that she is speaking about stalking and admits her doing it in the same sentence. It would be funny if it wouldn’t be that sad.
“Cry into your pillow and care about your cat. Before we married, I didn’t know who you truly are. But now after your mask has fallen, I see that. It was a big mistake to marry and to make a baby, at least with you. Stop watching out of your mother’s window! Just go back to your notebook!”
We get it, she doesn’t like my cat. She did not just split me black (borderline devaluation), but also my cat. So, I must have been right. My cat started attacking her because my wife very likely abused her when I was not there. Yes, she is projecting again, that it’s not her who has shown her true face, it must be me. Also interesting that I am getting monitored, that I watch out of the window. I barely do, but my mother already noticed, when she went to the balcony to smoke a cigarette, that my wife’s mother standing behind her curtains each hour, looking over to us like a “master spy”.
I didn’t show you her entire text, it’s riddled with the things I showed you, except that the she did repeat herself or used different words to say the same. Well, it escalated anyway, so I did write a reply to her. Here is what I wrote…
I know you’ve been certified unfit for work for a very long time. See, I’ve been too. I accepted you as a person, and you claimed to have accepted me. Please stop talking about fallen masks. Considering the fact that your father managed to get you a cleaning job in geriatric care where he worked too, and you managed it to lose the job within a week, I am not sure if you’re in a position to start such a discussion. If we add the other company you worked for, we have a sum of 2 weeks. Knowing your issues, I haven’t judged you on this. We both have been certified unfit for a long time but you compare your 2 weeks against 15 years I worked!
Now you act like I am a loser, but when I wanted to do IT re-training, you got fear of abandonment and said you would break up with me if I would do that. Even when I told you that I would do get a better qualification, being able to provide much better for us, and not to meet women, you argued “I can’t see if you flirt, if you’re away 8 hours per day, no, I wouldn’t be able to endure this and would break up”. You married that trauma bonded and co-dependent loser!
If you would just read once in a while, you would have noticed the housing shortage. But you don’t. We have the biggest housing shortage since 20 years in Germany. But what do you know? Getting scared that I’d stay in our apartment because I am waited for the court apointment, tp defend myself at court against your ridiculous false accusations and get a fair deadline to pick things up… telling you upfront, that I gonna move out by my own choice, because I felt things would calm down then. No, you’re never happy and now you have a big mouth.
Complaining about my cat and my interests. What exactly are you doing all day? I met you and noticed you have zero interests. Sure, your son and you husband… doing things together, that’s fine. But apart from that? Nothing! If we didn’t do things together, you sat there browsing Instagram. At some point you started complaining, that I spend a few minutes with my guitar, or whatever. You’re unhappy with that, because you don’t follow interests yourself, and I told you this is unhealthy for a relationship, if you’re only dependent on the other person. I told you!
Now I am not entirely sure who started the smear campaign with the computer addiction. You or your mother. I still think it has been your mother. But since she pressured you to leave our relationship, even as you said, by weaponizing your own son against you… it’s sad to see that you fully adapted to her negative ways, like speaking bad about others, even false things.
Again, you married the loser. Talking about masks again… it’s really ironic. It actually must have cost you a lot of energy to wear your mask for an entire year. When you mirrored my positive character, you looked so much happier. Now that you seem to mirror your mother, you look and appear full of bitterness. You’re so negative.
Let it be. Just leave me alone. We can speak about our child, but apart from that look for attention elsewhere. Attempted conflict resolution with you a ton of times but it’s simply not possible. A single person can’t work it out for two… we could have been a team for the kids. You’ve chosen to cause drama. Again, we should keep things about our baby in the future.
You can guess what happened. I’ve been blocked everywhere you can imagine. I can’t count anymore how often she did that. I stop caring, but then I remind myself that we are parents, that I need to co-parent with that woman.
Still, I should learn to stop giving her negative supply if she seeks drama. I can’t help her anyway. I sometimes still hope, but it’s just not possible to show someone with borderline the light and ridiculous their perceptions are when they’re completely dissociating.
12 thoughts on “Absurdities With my Borderline Wife: Rage and Abused via Text”
Wow Dennis, this must end swiftly for your own sanity. My second marriage ended because I filed for divorce, nobody can continue to exist under such hostile intentions like you are in. I felt suffocated with all of the fighting and hatred. Get out soon.
It’s so sad to see how she changed. She is so out of touch with reality now and her being in contact with her narc mother, doesn’t help her either.
You’re right. It’s hostile. And it really goes like it’s written about borderlines or narcs, or any cluster-b personality disordered person… you start to feel better, then they hoover you (soak you back in)… with small breadcrumbs like “It’s been so good, I suffer too, my son saw you as the daddy he never had” type of stuff… and as soon as they know they’d be able to reconcile with you, they kick your ass again and abuse you.
Works far better if there is a coming baby… I would have blocked her a long time ago… I probably still fall for her crap because reconcilation would mean I can protect my child directly. I guess that’s my trauma bond. If it would work, I sure would have to fake love and pay the price getting abused… I question that I’d be able to love such a hostile person, she is not the same anymore.
I guess you’re right. For the own sanity, that probably wouldn’t work.
She seems to be very controlling. She lets out some fishing line, then reels you back in and abuses you.
You are caught in a horrible situation, Dennis, I would be working with my attorney to find as quick a way as possible to exit this situation, even if it costs you an awful lot in terms of sanity and/or money.
Women aren’t worth it in my view but I am probably much older than you. I hope you can get yourself dug out really soon.
Correct, that’s how she is since the devaluation. There is a famous book about borderline, it’s called “I Hate You– Don’t Leave Me”, it describes such behaviour perfectly. They can’t let go entirely.
Talking about lawyers. There is where I have some good news. I haven’t been happy with the other one. Found a much better one and the first meeting was free and he spend an entire 2 hours to get through the jungle of my documents, and listened to me, explained… all for free. I have decided for this lawyer. He will help me.
I really hope that this new lawyer can help you out of this, Dennis. You deserve to live a peaceful life, free of the afflictions this person spews on you. I feel the hate and disrespect way over here.
Thank you John. Everyone says this now to me. My mother is also completely done with her. She, accepted and respected her. Even when the on and off started. When we came together again, my mother always accepted her again, even hugged her.
But my mother now said the same… my mother even told me, that if I would ever come together with my wife again, she would not be welcomed. She’d just respect my decision, but she doesn’t want to have anything to do anymore with my wife, as she put me through hell, and thinks too that I deserve much better.
Not just because of me. My mother got soaked into the crazyness too… both my wife and her mother, do even run smear campaigns about my mother. It’s sick.
First impression with the lawyer is really good. I hope the same!
Keep fighting and keep your thoughts in order. 👍🏻
I am sorry Dennis. I don’t think you can help her any more. Just do the best you can for your child and start living your own life.
Yeah, I should stop paying attention to the mixed signals. It looks promising when she says things like “I have difficulties with the breakup too”, “I remember all the good things we experienced” or “My son saw you as the dad he never had, our breakup is difficult for hom”… it’s like she’s fighting with cognitive dissonance… a fight between “what truly happened” and “fragments of false memories, mixed up in her dissociated state”.
It’s so sad. She would need a stable person. When we talked in the park and she acted “psychotic”, I was able to calm her down. Her mother however, and I know it, does validate any wrong perceptions her daughter has. That keeps her daughter in the episode, but at the same time under control. Very manipulative. No wonder that she was pretty normal for almost an entire year, until she got contact with her narc mother again.
But you are right. Everyone says it. I can’t help her anymore. And communicating with her, I start to lose my own marbles or sanity. It’s still frightening how co-dependent you can get.
I know that seeing what it is doing to you and doing something about it are two different things but you seem to be stuck in a loop. If she would get proper help maybe you would have a chance but this doesn’t seem likely does it? If you are going to be able to help your daughter later on you have to look after yourself.
That’s correct. Yes, I’ve been stuck because it’s hard to grasp that a person can be totally normal almost an entire year and change to a completely different person afterward. I went so deep into the topic that I do grasp what is going on… but it’s still hard to understand.
Yes, it’s unlikely that she seeks proper help. Her therapist didn’t help at all (I am not sure if she still is visiting her). Classical analytical “talking therapy” won’t do anything in the case of borderline. Currently she’s also not facing it anymore… she did when we still were together. She completely saw her issues and talked about it.
By the way… we think she’s in the hospital now. My mother told me that her grandpa takes care about her son at her mother’s home since two days. Their neighbors think too that it’s birthtime…
So, who knows… the baby is either already there. Or soon to arrive. She said she will tell me, so, I wonder when she unblocks me.
I hope you find out soon.