The last days, neighbors were hinting that it’s highly likely that my wife would be in the hospital, giving birth to our child. We couldn’t be completely sure but everything pointed to it.

My half sister (daughter of a man from a previous relationship of my mother, decades ago, but I am still in contact with her) checked in on WhatsApp to ask me how things are going. She realized that I am in a bad state. She knows the entire story but was upset that my wife might not have told me that I am already father. She said “Call the hospitals now, ask them”. I’ve done that.

I called them, not sure how to explain but it went like this “I might have become father, can you give me information’s?”. I was asked for the name of my wife and her birth date and my name. I then got told “Yes, she was here”. I asked “What does that mean? Did she give birth, if so, when?”. I got the reply “It was April 10, congratulation”. I started crying and said “Thank you very much, can you tell me the name?”.

The woman told me the name. It’s actually the first name we decided for together. When I was still together with my wife, we decided to go with a double name and nailed it down to two options we liked. She later decided to go with a different second name without asking me. But didn’t go with this either, it’s a completely different second name now. Well, so be it.

What’s much worse is that I am father since 4 days and she didn’t think that the father should know it. But that was to be expected, I guess you know that after following my story.

I do now have a daughter. I haven’t seen her yet. It will be a fight. As happy as I am to have a daughter, I am in deep sorrow too that after all I have done for my wife and her son, that she’s doing things like that. As difficult it is, I must see it as a reminder how disordered she is. I did send the youth welfare office a short email about her behavior.

My half-sister immediately asked me to meet up today. She listened to me and supported to me. But she was very mad about my wife. I thank her so much for supporting me. It helped to spend time with my half-sister, but on my way back home I got into a really depressive state again.

Things have been very difficult for me over the last months. I sure understand what happened (technically) but it’s still hard to wrap my head around it (emotionally). It changed me, it’ll take some time to trust anyone again. I am not even sure if I ever can trust someone new again.

I have discovered dangerous valleys of darkness. I’ve had thoughts the last months that really frightened me. I’ve experiences depression in the past and it wasn’t a cakewalk either, but what I gone/go through now is much worse.

But there is something. There is something that helped me through the dark valleys. In the darkest times, it’s like I imagined a light. Something in front of me, so little, but glowing bright that I was able to see the path. When it got the darkest, I imagined it to tell me “Papa, follow me, I am here for you, please be here for me too”.

Now she is born. And I will be there for her. Always. It might be that there are many more difficult days ahead. Maybe I will feel deepest sorrow some days, when things get really mean. I will tell myself that emotions are allowed when I am alone. I will allow myself to cry and will allow myself to recharge. But then I will think about my daughter, Leni will need a stable person.

As said, I haven’t seen her yet. I don’t even have a picture. I don’t even know if she is healthy, her weight or anything about her. I am sad that I haven’t seen her yet but I will. My mother is sad too. She can’t await to see her either. My mother knows that I am not feeling well. The last days, I just knew that I already must be father, I just felt it somehow. But there was still a cognitive dissonance of “I might already be father” and “I might not be father yet” and it stressed me so much that I vomited two times in a row yesterday. I promised my mother, no matter how bad I feel right now, I will fight so that she can hold my daughter in the hands in the future too. My mother hugged me and I told her “No matter what they are doing, you‘’ve become grandma” and she hugged me stronger and said “You have to fight”.